top of page

Complete NBA Betting Guide for Saturday, January 27th, 2024


Wizards vs Pistons


I think I might be the only television viewer in the world for this game outside of a few of their mothers unable to attend in person. On at 9am in my locale. I may have a gambling problem. Is it a problem if you win though? I digress. Call me crazy, (how sweet of you, you shouldn't have!) but I kinda like the Pistons. They are complete shit and can’t find the toilet without help most nights. But they are trending up since the completion of that “Mama don’t know you in the parking lot” losing streak and aren’t the worst watch in the league. Not even close. I could easily think of 5 teams teams I would rather cattle prod myself in the junk than watch. I think the leader in the clubhouse on that particular topic is the Heat, but more on them later. The Pistons are 2-3 in their last 5 (only advanced stats for this blog) and were highly competitive in their losses. The Pistons also just beat the Wizards on their floor 12 days ago by double digits. The Pee Wiz (I imagine the Wiz as a stream of urine to help me remember just how bad they are) also “just” used up one of the precious few road wins they will achieve this year on the 13th of this month, meaning they are 1-1 (thanks to our Pistons) in their last 2 roadies and not due for another win for awhile.


Swallow the points and grab the Pistons on the spread and MoneyLine.


Spread: Pistons -2.5/ML -142

Under 243.5


Final Score: Pistons 122, Wizards 118




I’m probably missing something here. This looks like a smash on the under. Charlotte is totally checked out now that Rozier is gone. They’ve got no juice at all, nothing to play for, and nothing to be excited about really. It’s a virtual guarantee Charlotte finishes with the leagues worst record, especially since they aren’t done selling off players. Detroit’s future with Ivey/Cunningham/Duren is a million times better than anything the Charlotte WhoreNets have going on. Lamelo? Brandon Miller? Who the fuck is Brandon Miller? He’s a 2nd overall pick and half his team wouldn’t recognize him at a grocery store. We throw the word embarrassment around so much that it has lost most of it’s weight, but Charlotte really does fit the classic definition of what embarrassment is supposed to mean. You just fucking suck Charlotte. You are the child I have to make stuff up about at family parties to pretend that you aren't as much of a disaster as you really are. Michael's bad case if dysentery is still running straight down the leg of this putrid franchise. If my child acted as badly as you play Charlotte Whorenets, I would tell her quite plainly how disappointed I am in her and her behavior.


 


Heat vs Knicks


Heat Culture needs a little Heat Smelling Salts right now. I like the Rozier trade for them, and they likely aren’t done maneuvering, but my God. Watching the Heat play offense at present time is like watching Joe Biden figure out how they got that big ship in that tiny little glass bottle. How is a team with Jimmy Butler, Bam Adebayo, and Tyler Herro this pathetic on offense? If I were a normal, rational bettor I’d probably chill for a minute and give the Heat a day off from butt-fucking my bankroll. But I’m a moron and a glutton for punishment, so I will continue to bet every Heat/Hawk/Hornet/Raptor/Spur game. I’ve gotta get one of these right eventually don’t I? The math says I can’t lose EVERY time I bet on the Heat and Hawks even though my ticket record says that I do. They are due for a rebound game but I just don’t see it against this Knicks team at home today.


Spread Pick: Knicks -5.5/ML -170

Over 218


Final Score: Knicks 118, Heat 108


I’m holding my nose while I do, but give me the over. I definitely don’t think the Heat win this game, but I’m betting on positive regression to the mean here for Miami on offense. I just don’t think that collection of dudes can be much worse than they have already been. Rozier should be just that much more comfortable another game in, along with being a consistently excellent road player anyways. I feel like this game bumps along until the 4th when the superior roster of the Knicks (it’s true) and the home crowd of MSG pushes the Knicks to a slightly uncomfortable cover.



 


76ers vs Nuggets


Game of the Day, at least it should be. Jokic and Embiid are the best 2 players in the world at present time by a wide margin. Sorry Giannis. Only a complete lunatic would pick you 1st at recess if Jokic and Embiid were also lined up against the wall. What Embiid is doing this year is special. As was the 76er effort the other night against the Pacers. They were no doubt looking ahead to this game after the 70 point Embiid outburst, but they flat out mailed it the fuck in vs the Pacers. I know, I know, I know. It’s January and who cares. Well, I do. Everybody gets blown out now, but it’s how they got blown out which was so concerning. Broken record here, but they weren’t engaged. They didn’t give a shit and you could see it immediately. If I lived in a state that had reasonable gambling laws I would have made a lot of money live betting against the 76ers. I’ll say this about Giannis. The Bucks have looked like Shit Ran Over Twice Dried and Cried at Times this season, but they haven’t had a game like THAT. Giannis wouldn’t allow it. Embiid, even being the best player in the world, still does.


Spread Pick: Philly +4.5

Moneyline: Denver -205

Over Under: Over 228


Final Score: Denver 117, Philadelphia 115


 

Rockets/Nets


I want to believe in Rockets. I really do. I love the coach. I don’t care what he did or didn’t do in Boston. The Celtics were really, really dumb to not just weather the storm and keep him. But the Go Woke/Go Broke Adam Silver led NBA won’t allow it. Funny how whatever he did was soooooooooo bad that the Celtics had to fire him like he was Sandusky, yet the Rockets were ok with it enough to hire him. I don’t know exactly what he did or didn’t do, but I’m going to walk way out on a limb and guess if another team was willing to hire him immediately like they did, whatever he did wasn’t the crime of the century. But good for you Brad Stephens in showing everyone how woke you are. You were absolutely going to win a title with Ime as your coach. No doubt in my mind whatsoever that he would have taken those players to places your candy ass couldn’t. Not only did you bitch out and go upstairs when you couldn’t get it done Brad Stephens, you further fucked the Celtics by getting rid of the coach that was far better than you! Brilliant.


The Rockets might not do much this year, but they are a team with the arrow pointed straight up. When you have the right coach, anything is possible. The Chargers are about to find that out. Ime Udoka is a brilliant basketball coach, despite what your opinion is on what he does or doesn't do with his dick. Joe Mazzulla is not a brilliant basketball coach, despite whatever record the Celtics finish with this season. If we performed my classic "recess test" and lined up every NBA coach along a wall and were picking them one by one, what number would Mazulla be picked? Don't fucking lie to me Celtics fans! That's not true Sully! You know in the biggest moment that little dummy is gonna fuck you! You know this Bill Simmons! Second Row Joe! That's a thing! It's an absolute tragedy that a team as stacked as this Celtics team (and they are fucking STACKED) is being coached by someone like Mazzulla who isn't smart enough to come in out of the rain. Complete Traveshammockery.


The Rockets are .500 with literal children running around the court banging their heads on the rim and committing wild turnovers. But you can see it. Bit by bit, game by game, the Rockets are getting better. They are atrocious on the road, something you would expect from a team of 9 year olds. They just won by a million on the road. Simple math says they probably won’t win on the road for a while now, and certainly not like that. And I hate the Nets. God do I hate the Nets. I think they win today though. Feels like a brick chucking under fest to me.


Spread: Nets -5

Money Line: Nets -198

O/U: Under 218.5


Score: Nets 111, Rockets 102

 


Jazz/Hornets


The WhoreNets of Good Charlotte are growing up right before our eyes into very special little NBA shit stains. The Jazz are not little shit stains. The Jazz however were just embarrassed by the Pelicans and should be looking for a dumpy fat chick at a bar 2 towns over to get back in the winners circle with. The Whorenets are just what the doctor ordered, being the grossest, fat, hairy, bald chick the NBA currently has to offer. Don’t fuck this up Jazz. Do you really want the whole town to know you really did fuck gross Sally Sanderson with the lazy eye and a UTI infection? Nobody has to know Utah. Just get in there, get it done, and throw a match over your shoulder. Charlotte JUST won a game too against Karlie Towns and Ruby Goebert. I read on a Whorenets blog that Lamelo has already picked out his AirBnb in Cancun. Check in date is April 14th, several hours after the Hornets will finish their season by getting blown out in Cleveland. I’ll be a monkey’s fuckin Uncle if this team gets to 20 wins. Not happening. I like the Under in the game for the simple fact I think the Jazz blow this dog shit team out and start putting in the white— (wait,errr…..it’s the Jazz. the bad players whoever they are) guys at the Under 6 timeout.


Spread: Jazz -10

ML: Jazz

O/U Under 236


Score: Jazz 126, Hornets 99


 

Clips/Celts


I think I’m done fading Boston for a minute. This team wins by margin. I don’t think they are going to, and they do it again and again and again. The Clippers are legit. Hands down. Even with James and the Tiny Testicles running point. He’s playing great. Of course he is, it’s the regular season and it doesn’t matter. He’s the 3rd best player. If Harden plays even normally in the playoffs and the Clippers lose in the 2nd round 7 game series, nobody is going to say SHIT about James Harden. He’ll then fool one last team into giving him even more money (Charlotte? Harden soooooo feels like a Hornet!), putting up useless stats that seem pretty good for how old he is. Que Vince Carter. An underachieving coach/team/teammate killer that also blatantly, blatantly (I remember Vince) quit on his team in a most shameful fashion. That’s where James Harden is headed. 22 and 11 at 37 years old for a 17 win Hornets team that will just keep cutting him checks because old-ass James Harden gets 12 more asses in the seats. James won’t care. Long as them checks keep comin’ and those mean terrible scary playoffs stay far, far away.


Spread: Boston -7

ML Boston

O/U Over 234


Score: Celtics 133, Clippers 115


Bucks/Pelicans


I don’t really like either of these teams, but I’m slightly optimistic that Doc will be a good fit with Giannis. The Bucks will no doubt finish with a great record and look really good doing it most nights. I still wouldn’t pick them in a series over Boston (duh), but also Philly or Cleveland. They are 100% not a better basketball team than Cleveland right this minute. I’m not going to make too many friends criticizing Dame Lillard, but there is no coach that can fix his complete lack of effort and proficiency on defense. Everybody goes nuts when Dame hits the logo 3 to win the game. Yeah great whoop ti whoop hooray for Dame. What I see when I watch him is the 60 possessions a game on defense that he looks like the fat kid in right field chasing butterflies that’s only in the game because the Little League rule book doesn’t have the balls to tell his fat ginger ass to sit on the pine where he belongs. I’ve been swimming upstream for years on this, but get the fuck out of here with these guys we call “top 10” players who don’t even ATTEMPT to play defense, let alone be any good at it. Dame Lillard is a HOF player no doubt no argument close the book let’s go play golf. He’s not Kawhi. He’s not Lebron. Giannis. Durant. Curry. Jokic. Embiid. SGA. Tatum. That’s 9 right there. You putting Dame next? Even 3 years ago? 5 years ago? Not a F***king chance if you want me to take your basketball opinion seriously. Portland didn’t win SHIT with those midget guards. One outlier Conference Finals run where they got shower raped. Yawn. Someone should seriously attempt to create a metric that quantifies just how bad players like Trae Young and Damian Lillard mortally wound your teams ability to play any defense. Oh wait…..they do have the stat. It’s called RINGS. If you are telling me that someone is a top 10 player of all time or just that year, I better be able to build around YOU as the keystone. Dame Lillard is the Miami Dolphins offense with Tua. Great Box scores. Ice Cream. Fun! Scoring! Big shots! Confetti!


Giannis is Jim Harbaugh. I’m gonna kick your ass with relentless consistency, attention to detail, and effort. Sorry Giannis, you backed the wrong horse in Dame. What are you going to do with him when you play Boston, Maxey in Philly or Donovan in Cleveland? You’re gonna get torched and go home, that’s what.



Spread: Bucks -5

ML Bucks

O/U Over 241

 

Wolves vs Spurs


The T-Wolves are at an absolute hinge point in their season. If they are going to be a top 3 team in the West, they have to figure out how to have their best player (ha! sorry I couldn’t keep a straight face, I tried I swear) give them 62 points at home and not lose. They have played some super strange games lately. I suppose you’re going to have stretches like this with mental midgets like Towns on your team, but this team really does have title potential with how they can defend at all 3 levels. I’m just not going to believe the T-Wolves can do anything in the playoffs until I see KAT do anything but violently diarrhea in a basketball game played after April 15th. He might, but I ain’t seen it yet. What do you want for $55 million a year? Playoff production? Fuck you and your unrealistic expectations Boomer. Just because KAT puts up 6 point games in the playoffs doesn’t mean he can’t be excited for his collection of 12th place ribbons he has from previous Timberwolves seasons.


Spread: Spurs +10

ML - Wolves

O/U Over 228

 

Lakers/Warriors


This game looked a lot better in October. Talk about 2 dudes that still think they have their high school 32 inch waists. Even with Draymond back, this shit is a wrap for the Warriors as far as even fringe title contenders. Too old. Too Slow. Too Expensive. Too Rigid. Steve Kerr really fucked this Kaminga thing up. Dude can play, but the good old boy politics of Golden State won’t allow it. You don’t look so “light years ahead” now Warriors. Look like dude at Bally’s Total Fitness wearing a never worn bright white headband trying to get some run with the young bucks. I can’t believe losing old ass Chris Paul affected them this much, but it sure appears to. There is no stigma at all about playing Golden State at home. I watched this with the Seahawkss. Qwest (Fuck you Century Link, Lumen) Field was a house of horrors for opposing teams for about 5 years. Then it just wasn’t. It’s never been the same since, because the team has never been that good since. Same thing here with the Warriors. It’s been real guys, but let’s start rolling up the mic chords and loading the van up.


Spread: GS -2.5

ML: GS

O/U 239.5 Over


Score: Golden State 124, Lakers 120

 


Kings/Mavs


Luca just scored 73 points and likely is still at right this very second destroying some poor waffle house he paid to have shut down. He’s gonna be full and tired. Probably hung over too. I know I’d get super shit faced if I scored 73 points in an NBA game as a white guy. I’m not sure if SAC is really a better overall team than a full strength Dallas, but they are rested and not overconfident from beating the NW Catholic Girls Penal League team that is the RIP 2023-24 Trae Young led Atlanta Hawks. I think I might be able to score 9 points against Trae Young in a real NBA game, and I’m a 42 y/o white guy who couldn’t jump on top of a phonebook if I was wearing bacon underpants and dropped into a crocodile pit. If they were rested and home and Luca hadn’t just put up 70, I’d be taking the Mavs at home all day. Yet look at the fucking egg that Philly just laid after they caped up for Embiid to get 70. Decent chance that same thing happens here.


Spread: Kings -2

ML Kings

O/U Under 242



Score: Kings 127, Mavs 113

8 views0 comments
bottom of page