Hummer EV Owners Offered Free Penile Lengthening Therapy
It's one of the most thoughtful incentives ever offered by an automaker. Demonstrating they truly understand their customers, GM is offering free penile lengthening services to the select few owners who will actually take delivery of the all-new Hummer EV this year.
"We realize that no one with a normal-sized penis would ever even consider purchasing a ridiculous vehicle like this, so we are here to help however we can," remarked GM's Head of Customer Wellness, Kaylelynne Johnnsen.
"Nothing quite says 'I need some help down there' like a 9,000lb vehicle that does 0-60 in 3 seconds. We have retained some of the leading ED specialists in the world to help our most pee-pee challenged customers."
The Hummer EV contains a massive 212kWh battery pack, which, by the way, would be enough cells to build three Chevrolet Bolts, a seemingly more practical vehicle to fight climate change. You could also purchase three Bolts for the price of one Hummer, but what would be the fun in that?
In keeping with their pledge to build a grotesque vehicle that nobody needs and offers little to no value to anyone, GM is also going to accept payment in any form of cryptocurrency that hasn’t already plummeted to zero.
“Our research shows that 96% of depositors for the Hummer EV also self-identify as CryptoBros and will be exclusively funding their Hummer purchase with their crypto winnings,” stated Johnnsen.
GM is still dealing with the fallout of having to cancel 200 reservations from a man in Dubai earlier this year. The man stated that he wanted a Hummer EV to use as a kennel for each of the 200 illegally purchased lions and tigers he owns. GM says it will still honor the penile lengthening therapy for the man since he “obviously needs it.”
Former President Trump and Speaker of the House Mitch McConnell were allegedly also depositors awaiting delivery of their Hummers and penile therapy, but will not be allowed to participate in the program since, according to GM, “our practitioners need to have at least some material to work with. We hired doctors, not wizards.”
Hot on the heels of Tesla, GM plans to deliver over 46 Hummer EVs by the end of 2023, or the same number of Model X's that Tesla can make during Elon's first morning bowel movement.
“At the rate we are going, I feel comfortable in saying that by 2030 we will be able to build and deliver over 500 electric vehicles per year,” stated GM CEO Mary Barra. "Look out, Tesla, here we come.”