Updated: Nov 13, 2021
Being on the road for 50+ hours a week and 80,000 miles a year for the past 4 years has definitely taught me a few things, not the least of which is the ability to quickly identify douchebags and their associated vehicles with laser-like precision. This report of my findings is obviously rock-solid peer reviewed science, backed with the finest anecdotal evidence the eyes can see. I hope this report serves as the defining guide to identifying the douchebag car drivers in your life. Defining levels of douchebaggery is more difficult than you would think -- as at different points I have hoped many times all of these drivers would die in their own tire fires. For the sake of science and delivering the finest PSA's around though, I persevered to curate the following list.
10. Dodge Charger
Dodge appears twice on our list. Though nowhere near as douchey as our later entry, drivers of Chargers are incapable of driving below 85 on the freeway and completing less than 6 signal-less lane changes per mile. Charger douches just aren't happy unless everyone can hear their uninsured death machine coming. They are big, fast, and cheap. Well, some of them are. While base models can be found in subsidized housing projects far and wide, the Hellcats reside in the Viagra-filled homes of guys named Chip who despise their wives and now own their own insurance agency. At least Dodge leans in to what it is. They might not be the classiest lady at the bar, but dammit if they aren't a loud chubby chick with her glitter tits jammed to the ceiling who knows how to have a REAL good time.
9. Porsche. Any Porsche.
This should come as no surprise. Driving a 911 has long been a cultural marker for white men over 50 who suffer from extreme erectile dysfunction. Whether it be a 911, Panamera, Cayenne, or Macan -- it really makes no difference -- drivers are rarely over 5'6. A perfect blend of multi-generational/racial douchebaggery, hardly a day goes by in Bellevue when I don't spot an Asian woman driving her 541hp Cayenne Turbo under the speed limit on her way to Uwajimaya where she will struggle to park it. Porsche owners may also be found masturbating on to the hoods of other Porsche owners in parking lots on Saturdays in what are known as Porsche Club meetings. No really, it's a thing. Porsche. When driving a BMW/Audi/Mercedes is for normal rich douchebags. You sir, are a cut above. Porsche.
8. Jeep Wrangler
An American icon. The Wrangler has arguably no competitors, all apologies to the new Bronco. It's off-roading capabilities are unmatched, as is it's propensity to attract guys that almost made it through community college. Don't expect a deal if you try to buy Jackson/Tyler/Cody/Nick/Jared's Jeep used, depreciation is next to nothing on these highly sought after trail bosses. Driving a Jeep down the freeway is like trying to push a refrigerator through wet sand next to a runway. Lots of noise and commotion, not real efficient. Build quality is excellent, but interior features and quality are laughably behind even it's most basic would be competitors. Look at her though. Does any of that even matter? Wranglers are some of the sexiest metal on the road, and if you don't think these things look at least a little bit fun, you probably regularly log tail numbers of airplanes and visit train museums on weekdays. For 75k+++ you can even get a Rubicon 392 with a V8. $75k for a Jeep! Thing sounds like you jammed a hot poker up a Brahma bull's ass though when you step on it. Pure Heroin. Haters gonna hate, but if you can afford it Brayden, you step right up and have your daddy buy it for you.
7. Volkswagen GTI
This one hurts a little bit, because by all accounts the Volkswagen GTI has been a fantastic vehicle since it's inception. I've always wanted one. It's a wonderfully balanced, immensely useful, flat out fun to drive hot hatch, with an incredible manual transmission for those that still matters to, which is like me and 3 Japanese kids. Its also driven by a whole lot of douchebags. Most of them with really terrible, child molester style mustaches too. Not really sure what's going on there. It's not an expensive car to begin with, and it's been made for so long now that even the lowest of the low masses are able to afford it easily. The GTI is boy racer personified. Though you do see newer versions of these cars in the driveways of the affluent children, you are more likely to notice Brandon or Aiden as he cuts you off on the way to start his 4am shift at an Amazon fulfillment center or the box truck parking area of a furniture rental store.
6. Honda Civic Type R
What a silly, ridiculous, amazing, silly car. I'm not sure anything south of the Audi RS6 Avant is better though. I honestly don't know if I've ever seen anyone driving these things that wasn't an Asian male between 16 and 30. I'm not even sure I could get in one without doing a little Pilates first. Its almost like there is an unstated understanding between everyone who is not part of the aforementioned group that "Yo, that thing belong to y'all man. You enjoy it, cuz it scare the shit outta me. Imma be over here in this GTI, more my speed." That said, most reasonable people are laughing at you when you race by us in your $50k Optimus Prime-fucked-a-hot-Dragonball Z-chick-and-this-is-the-baby-they-should-have-aborted Civic. Don't mind me, I'm just jealous I'm too fat to fit in to the seats.
5. BMW M3
Good gracious BMW, what did the M3 ever do to you? That's hideous. Did Hap from StoryBots conduct a hostile takeover of your design department? Sometimes these multi-billion dollar companies just need a regular person in the room to say "Hey dummy, don't do that. That looks like shit. Take a day off and come back tomorrow refreshed." I will hand it to BMW though. They have spent decades breaking down the barriers of douchebaggery. BMW makes such amazing to drive cars that douchebags of every shape, size, color and creed flock to them, of which the M3 is perhaps the best example. I myself owned a 2008 E92 M3, during which time I was assuredly a douche bag. I still miss that car, even though it gave me the ole' 3-finger-no-lube on a couple different occasions. Ultimately if the repair bills on the car that you are driving seem too expensive, you are too broke to be driving that car. That was certainly the case in my situation. Blake, Colton, Amir, Sergey and Wang Li don't care about that though. I liken this car to dating an intoxicatingly beautiful stripper who is a dumpster fire of a human being. On Friday night when she is sparkled head to toe in glitter and smells better than a bakery, life is great. But when Tuesday morning rolls around and both of you wake up smelling like a mixture of vomit and Tito's, she's got no makeup on and $600 short on her rent, you'll wonder how this happened.
4. Tesla Model 3
Takes one to know one. I myself have a Tesla Model 3. Am I douche bag? Probably. But this is what I do know. No other car maker on the planet can lay claim to more vanity plates than Tesla. Or Tech Bros. We get it. You're smarter than the rest of us. You have a crypto wallet full of Shiba Inu. You actually leave Yelp reviews. Your favorite whiskey bar has a new location you and your girlfriend Caitlynn are going to try this weekend. You just bought a new construction 4-color Tetris piece house in Bellevue. You work for Google, and before that Drop Box which you left because you felt you "just didn't vibe with the mission anymore." You know an amazing new brunch place. Elon's Twitter updates have a special notification assigned to them on your phone that is allowed through even when you have Do Not Disturb turned on. Enough already. We know you have a Plaid on order. You're the Wokest of the Woke, saving the planet as you try to figure out how to use Autopilot and not kill the rest of us in the process. Within a generation, governments the world over will force everyone to be as smart as you and drive an EV. Thank you for leading the rest of us out of the I.C.E age Chase, those salmon colored Lululemon shorts look really nice on you.
3. Mercedes G Wagon
The Mercedes G Wagon represents the top tax bracket on our list. Driving one of these down the road is your way of giving the entire world a Dirty Sanchez after taco night. It's you advertising that money means less to you than a woman's right to choose means to Texas. You don't care about the atrocious reliability, 3 year depreciation equal to the GDP of Ghana, abysmal fuel economy requiring daily stops for premium fuel, or that you will rarely take it over surfaces rougher than your heated marble garage floor. Another equal opportunity offender, the G Wagon is at home in the garages of golden tusked rappers and athletes, obscenely wealthy Chinese college students, Persian guys in Gucci track suits who may or may not own an illegal tiger, and copious amounts of finance bros named Dalton. If you see a stunningly beautiful, 37-ish white woman driving one of these things, she probably used to do some REAL nasty stuff to her trust fund husband Tucker that she met at Duke, hurriedly cranking out her IG worthy children named Liam, Lark, Jaxon-Tate and HopeChangeYesWeCan in a 5 year period before barricading access to her vagina forever and settling down in Greenwich for the schools. The Mercedes website says you can have one for $157k. Good luck with that. There is a better chance of Oklahoma becoming the leading advocate of teaching Critical Race Theory in schools than you getting one for that price.
Expect to pay twice that. If having a "stock" G63 for $300k is just for regular rich people and not fuck you wealthy people like yourself, you can score yourself a Brabus 700 version for half a million and up. I'm just jealous I can't afford a starter house on wheels. I should probably have had this thing higher than 3 now that I think about it.
2. Dodge Trucks
They don't call them Doucher Dodges for nothing. Definitely a surprise to see Dodge this high on the list but the evidence just can't be ignored. Drivers of Dodge trucks, especially older models, are typically a credit tier or two down from Ford and Chevy buyers. They are definitely not getting the Well Qualified Buyers lease deal at the Lexus December to Remember event. They gotta use "the good card" to put the kids Xmas gifts on, na'mean? They are likely to live adjacent to "the good county" (think Pierce to King here in WA) where everybody actually wants to live. These trucks can often be spotted in the wee morning hours being used as commuters heading to construction sites driving 80+ belching smoke from a poorly modified exhaust. Not a lot of college going on with this group. Lots of reflective orange and yellow hooded sweatshirts live here. These were the kids that started drinking early in high school. Not 17 like the rest of us, but like, 15. Lotta men in and out of Mom's life growing up, many of them with Dodge's too.
Fun Fact: I didn't know this until recently, but it's actually illegal to drive a Dodge truck if you aren't a white male between the ages of 26 and 47 and willing to comply with the mandated dress code of tattered hat, 90's style Oakley's, misaligned goatee and sleeveless flannel shirts. Over 87% of Dodge truck owners use The General for their insurance because they like the commercials and also supporting the military. Dodge's are most commonly associated with Justins, Daves, Jakes, Dougs and Dylans. Loooooootta Dylans for some reason. Dylan's next truck will be a Ford or Chevy just as soon as he can get his 530 credit score up a bit higher and that DUI falls off his record. And fuck that cop anyways, everybody in Shreveport knows that Dylan is totally fine to drive at .23.
1. Subaru WRX STI
This was an easy one. Have you ever seen a driver of one of these cars that looked like they didn't work somewhere that had their name sewn on a dark blue striped shirt? The STI is basically a mass produced, budget race car for guys who have "Forklift" and "Hard Worker" listed under the Skills and Certifications section of their handwritten resume. You can't not drive these cars like an asshole. It rides like shit, has a cramped, plastic filled interior and a rear wing which tells the world a domestic violence charge is likely in your future if it hasn't happened already. But the STI goes like a raped ape all hopped up on Mountain Dew and handles like Sandusky in his prime deep within the recesses of the Penn State locker room. Can you have more raw driving fun under $40k? I doubt it. Drivers of these cars feel the need to justify their over stretched financed purchase by loudly lurching from stoplight to stoplight in search of other Chads, Brysons, Kalebs and Darrens to give the "STI nod" too. I recently overheard a conversation between two STI owners at a stoplight:
Chad: "Sup Bro?? Sick Subie. Where you headed?"
Xian Li: "Bubble Tea."
Chad: "Right on. You wanna race? I'm headed home to (apartment name removed to protect Chad's privacy) Estates.
Xian Li: "I know where you live you dipshit, I'm your neighbor. I live right above you with 4 other Chinese Mechanical Engineering students.
Chad: "I thought you looked familiar! Sorry about that, I have a hard time telling all of you Asian guys in STI's apart."
Xian Li: "I feel the same about all of you Chads. You guys wear beanies 12 months a year and all look to be Gingers with gauged ears and patchy beards that look like they smell like hot sick.
Chad: "Right on. Well I don't want my White Claw to get warm so I better be going. What are you and the rest of BTS up to tomorrow?"
Xian Li: "Bubble Tea."
I'm Ryan, a full-time rideshare driver, entrepreneur, and Editor of Ryan on Everything. I write about anything that interests me, which is a lot. My sarcastic, irreverent, off the cuff writing style is a reflection of who I am and how I think. Help me build a community of free thinkers and bullshit sniffers.