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Please Hammer, Don't Hurt Brock Purdy

Updated: Feb 3

I can't believe I'm about to stump up for Brock F#$k-ing Purdy. If someone shows this to me 30 years from now after The TurdyPurd's career has gone more the way of Roy McAvoy than Rory McIlroy, I will categorically deny I ever authored this and likely claim I was hacked like Melo did back in '10 when athletes still didn't yet realize how the internet worked. Such sweet little retards. All grow'd up and still can't put their phones down. Ever. I could also say I was under extreme duress due to not yet having received valid Proof of Life for my actively abducted family. I've got outs.*


*I don't actually know who abducted my family in this particular delusion. The Purdys I suppose. Sure. Let's go with that. My deepest condolences for what's forthcoming here, Carrie and Shawn Purdy. You seem like lovely people who probably love you a lot of Jesus and a little John Cougar and would never in a million years orchestrate the calculated and systematic abduction of my family to help your son's (theoretically) waning reputation. I'll be God Damn lucky to be mowing Bible verses into The Hard Brock Cafe's acres and acres of lawn he'll no doubt someday own in Franklin County after sacking $500 million as a "Game Manager" and purchasing Scotty McCreery's first house all the ladies were layin' out in. Trust me, he'll be Feelin' It if we just give him just Five More Minutes to get his hands on that 5 for $300M deal that's coming down the pike in 2 years. If he's real lucky, he might even get a crack at Luke Bryan's old place he used to drag all those skanks from Tootsie's home to and give em' a couple of turns on his old Beach Roller Coaster if you follow. My God, Hallowed be my name. The horror of pullin' down 50 Billion in your career. Pennies. 50 billion in pennies Papa Purds, not $50 Billion. He didn't invent an app for sexual predators. That's the only legal way to make that kind of money other than inheritance. He's not gonna be THAT rich you crazy Purdlehoppers. I know he's not going to earn the same amount of money playing football (Especially at the working man's W2 Tax Bracket) as the owner of the Broncos still gets posthumously, annually, from ole' Sam in his stocking for merely breathing and not shitting his pants during WalMarche's Annual Shareholder Meeting. That would be patently absurd, you silly, silly ParentsPurd. 50 billion pennies is likely more than a skosh or two under what your baby Purtles will Anaconda squeeze into a place ran by somebody Tepper did lines with back at the Mellon.


Especially if he gets a couple of these Chips behind him. If you don't believe me how lucrative the post-career autograph circuit can be for our little Purdle Turtles Miss Mama Murdles, just ask my good friend Peter Rose. Peter Rose everybody! He and his mail order Vietnamese concubine just drive back and forth between Dayton and Albuquerque in their very nice but heavily used GMC Safari adventure van cleaning out every Topeka and Amarillo strip mall card store along the way. I'll be damned if Peter Rose hasn't made enough money signing autographs the last 40 years to shame even the most part-time of Etsy shop owners. Not eBay though. They don't call Albuquerque the Autograph Capital of New Mexico for nothin'. They once had Peter Rose, Petey Pablo, and Jesus Montero all signing autographs at once in a Staples parking lot back in 14'. That was really special.


This is what your son is about to get in on Mama Purdsees. It's all there for little Brockoli Rabe, still somehow 6 years shy of his Purdieth Purthday. Ya' done good you two LovePurds. Jesus and I both think so.


 

May we all be sentenced to the $500 million gruesome death of becoming Game Managers like Russell Wilson and your son. Did you know that Russell Wilson's house is still for sale? No bullshit! Go look it up! He's so fucking rich that he don't give no fucks no way no how his $26 million-dollar house ain't sold. No Fucks. At. All. Ugly-ass house too, full of a bunch of tacky overpriced garbage. Your son, Carrie and Shawn Purdy, is going to be IAINTCAREIFTHISUGLYASS26MILLIONDOLLARHOUSEAINTSELLEVAHNEVAHRICH. As I'm sure you no doubt are, I'm just so proud of Brock n' Jock Softball achieving what he has as an undersized, overachieving white guy myself. Takes one to know one. I apologize Mr. and Mrs. Purdy. I'm just way too far into this analogy to go a different direction with deadline this close. I gotta roll with this to print. Chin up you Purdy Little Birdies, you be uh-kay.)


Or my Pitty-pig Alice. Or Stephen the G.O.A.T. Or Cake-ity Cake Cakes. Please let some dumb muthaf-- try to take my rooster. I Wish a ----


Capum 🔫 "Cakes"

Don't fuck with my rooster. He's a Certified Thumper®. Comin' straight downhill just like I taught him at Cock OTA's shortly after he got here. None of that chicken-shit-chicken-wing launch bullshit here. You'll be standing here next to me on the sideline for the 2nd half if you do that shit again Cake n'Makes. I'll fuckin' end you Clucks n' Thighs. That's how you needlessly Chernobyl your opponent's ACL and in turn also your corpus callosum. I will not have that cowardly shit on my football team. Do you hear me Killer Cakes?! If the man in front of you is bigger than you, challenge yourself to be bigger than him. Or, die for the man next to you competing to be bigger and tackle the ball carrier. Either way, we will Never be cowards and launch ourselves at the knees or other lower extremities

of the offensive player, even if it is a healthy, in his prime 4th-quarter Derrick Henry snowballing straight down the A-Gap at us like Neymar at Ipanema Grill on half-price Tuesdays.

He gets it. I could see the nasty in him early. You always can with the special ones. The ones with the shit and the git. The ones that know they are the Best, but yet still humble enough to accept coaching from someone their equal. That sounds just like.....Cake n' Bakes! 🤜🤛 If you ain't first yer last!


What is about to happen to Brock Purdy after the conclusion of Super Bowl 58 is more unfair than the NFL not promoting Russell Wilson and Ciara like they have TrayTray and TayTay. How dare they they!


🎶Woke me up when it's all o-ver. When I'm wi-ser and I'm wo-ker.🎶


I feel the need to launch a preemptive attack now before the enemy has breached our perimeter defenses here on Purdy Island. I don't really like Brock Purdy, WTF am I doing on Purdy Island?!? Help!!! Heeeeeeeelp!!!!


 

The San Francisco 49ers are about to lose to the Chiefs in a way and on a stage that will cause much of Purdy The Sturdy's previous successes to either be conveniently forgotten or highly marginalized. I'm not saying that he's playing for his job. I'm also not saying that he's not playing for his job. If he puts a big Rrhea'tit-shitballz game on the books though, things could get very sticky for him.


That my friends, is Horseshit. No matter what happens in this game, The Brock Party has earned the right to not have to worry about losing his job. If you sincerely think Purdy earning the right to be San Francisco's starting QB next season at all hinges on his performance in this game, you're just a Campbell and I ain't know what to tell people like you. Never have.


The Chiefs are a Team of Destiny. You can't fuck with Destiny. Destiny a Bad Bitch. We know this. It's curtains ladies and gents, coda outro. Travis Kelce is going to win Super Bowl MVP honors with a multiple TD performance, followed immediately by hanging up his cleats so he and his equally esteemed brother can ride as Hella Rude Dudes into the Hall of Fame together as First Ballot Bros. You are welcome First Ballot Kelce Bros, feel free to use that and not credit me at all. I will take T-Swift tickets though Travvy Babb-ees. You bet your delicious 6-foot-5 ass I will. The hell with the concert, that's for the kiddo. I wanna see if I can take you in a brief wrestling match of no more than 90 seconds in that million dollar private suite we'll be in. We are both about 250 I think, you being a smidge taller and younger than I at 6'5 and 34. IDK. That's why they play the games. Let's do it Kel-Bells.


 

Brock Purdy is likely going to have a miserable game next Sunday. Sacks, picks, fumbles--its all coming. His sins against the Packers and Lions will not receive Absolution against the Chiefs. If the Chiefs are up 24-10 on them, it's done. Finished.


The Chiefs might not win this game by 30 points, but they are going to dominate the 49ers at the line of scrimmage and in the secondary. If Purdy throws the ball 30+ times, the Chiefs are going to spike a couple of them and might even take one home if he tries to get too cute. Sneed and McDuffie ain't playin'. It ain't gonna bounce off their heads, it'll be 1st and 10 Chiefs.


There is a not insignificant number of versions of this game where if Kansas City can turn Purdy and the Niners over a couple of times early, this could get ugly pretty quick.


If Brock Purdy has an 18 for 39 day with 2 picks and a fumble, he's going to get crucified on Monday by Campbells far and wide who will say he should be roundly turned out like a stinkytitz common Victorian whore.


If he has a game like he did against the Ravens, it will be crabs upon crabs stepping on each others nuts to get to the top of the pot to see who can skewer Purdy with the biggest spear. Slow the fuck down.


We've heard again and again about Purdy being Mr. Irrelevant and born on 3rd base, getting to play for the 49ers with that roster and that Coach. I can confirm that he in fact was the last player drafted in 2022, the 49ers do have (arguably) the best roster 1-53 in the League, and though I affectionately like to call Kyle Shanahan little Kylie Shenanigans due to his testicles leaving the stadium at very in opportune times for his team, he is on the short list of proficient Offensive coaches in an Offensive league which is as hard to find as the QB itself.


HomeDude (Dirty Purds) is 3 to 1 TD/INT and 111.4 QBR so far in his short, but extremely productive career. I don't care what franchise you were born in to with what weapons, you ain't doing that if you're a Bum. Trey Lance had the same exact opportunity, and that SumBitch didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground did he. Good for a Black guy getting paid for the thought that he was athletic. That's a good one Trey! You got us! Damn Dawg did you get us. Is you even still in the NFL? I honestly don't give enough of a shit to take 10 seconds and Google it.


QBR is a problematic statistic in it of itself, but Purdy would be the career leader by a space larger than the distance between Dan Campbell's ears if his career ended today. That's not nuttin'. I can't believe I'm writing this. I can't believe I'm sitting here defending Brock Purdy. That Sertraline must really be working today.


Context is everything. It shapes narratives, entrenched biases--it clouds the Truth. Where Brock Purdy was drafted is a lense that we can't seem to remove or adjust when viewing him. People see what they want to see, not what's actually happening. To use another Colin-ism, it's far more important for most people to be right than to get it right. That is how fragile the male football ego is. Being right in your opinion and evaluation is more important than achieving the absolute best product on the field. This is why the collective NFL world outside of 49er fans is rooting for Brock Purdy to fail. All of these other teams and evaluators didn't think Purdy was good enough to DRAFT, let alone make a team, then start, then win, then win more, play awesome, win more, come 1 decent game and win from taking home an MVP, then finish by undoubtedly cementing yourself at a minimum as a very good NFL starting Quarterback. What does that say about them? Again, the fragile male football ego rears its ugly head. I just can't be wrong! This is what talking to anti-Purdy/Lamar types are like:


Me: Um...........Dude. Your hair is kind of on fire.


Dude: No it's not.


Me: Um, yes it is. I'm sitting right next to you and I can clearly see your hair is on fire.


Dude: I don't know what you are talking about. My hair is not on fire.


Me: Um....Dude. I know your hair is on fire because I'm literally sweating sitting next to you. Soon the flames will be on my shoulder, and soon after that MY hair will be on fire. Are you then going to tell me my hair is not on fire?


Dude: Since my hair is not on fire, your hair couldn't possibly be on fire, though it is getting a bit warm in here. I'm gonna take my coat off.


Me: It's getting warm in here because we are now both on fire, including your fucking coat you Campbell. We will all soon be dead if we don't acknowledge we are in fact fully engulfed in flames at the moment.


Dude: You're a fuckin' lunatic Ryan. I am in no way on fire, and neither are you. The couch around and underneath us is not on fire, nor is the house that is sheltering us. Absolutely noth--


(Both I and Dude are now dead from being fully burnt to a crisp by a fire that Dude didn't want to admit was happening)


Enter Skip Bayless and other bozos that refuse to budge off of their original premises and biases no matter what new information or facts are presented to them. Lamar is a Black Quarterback that can't throw and should change positions to RB or WR because why that's where we always put them fast Black guys dammit! Run Lamar Run! (At RB though, NOT quarterback. It would just not be in the spirit of good competition to put our best athlete at QB because that would just give us far to great an advantage) Though Jackson is (ostensibly) fighting Institutional Racism and Purdy merely a Draft Guide, both of these players do perfectly illustrate how our biases and pre-formed opinions can entirely block our view of Truth if we let them. Worse yet for Lamar, these perceptions and biases actually influence his coaches in-game decision making, something Purdy fortunately doesn't have to deal with. He is however, (Purdy) a small QB from a small school who threw picks in college. His greatest sin in college was trying to force balls to a bunch of guys at Iowa State who were thrilled to be in the FBS and to not have to accept an offer to play football at Drake. He's LUCKY to be in the League. He's LUCKY to have Kylie and the Shitty Diner 9ers around him. Wrong. Purdy is actually a really good player who's going to play in the NFL for a very, very long time and make a shit- load of money.


If Brock Purdy was a 1st round pick, we would hear ABSOLUTELY ZERO of this this bullshit surrounding whether or not he could lead his team to a Super Bowl. If Lamar Jackson looked like Josh Allen, he wouldn't still be fighting the "he's not a real quarterback if he runs" bullshit he's been fighting since Louisville. He looked like a "real quarterback" to me when he was playing video games on the field at Louisville, winning the Heisman going away as a 19 year-old sophomore. Even after a brilliant college career as a TRUE dual-threat QB, these needle-dicks were STILL trying to get him to change positions prior to the Draft.


I've said this for years, but if Lamar Jackson had the EXACT same set of skills he does now but were white and named Liam or some other stupid Montessori School name like Kayden. Braylan. What would we have?!?


Oh yeah, we'd have a way more athletic and more accurate throwing version of Josh Allen. But......he's Black. So he has to play a certain way. But not the Black way. The White (right) way. No running. Kinda. It's SUPER confusing even for me. Even though Lamar........yeah.

 

Obviously, evaluators majorly Fucked up on Purdy. It doesn't matter where he might rank on some arbitrary list meant to generate clicks and ad revenue. He's a great fit for the 49ers. It's actually more important for most of the NFL front offices to be right in their evaluations of players and for coaches to implement their specific schemes than it is to just scout and draft the best players available and design schemes around the personel you have, not the players you want. That's what Coaching is. Teaching.


Brock Purdy is going to win a lot of football games in his forthcoming career.


Next Sunday will not be one of them.


The Chiefs might make him look pretty bad too. When this happens, please keep the words you read here in mind when the bullets start flying on Monday morning.

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