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Sorry Dan Campbell, You’re Fired

Updated: Jan 30

When you know, you know. Right? Your marriage might look awesome to your friends, family, and neighbors. You have a sexy young wife who loves the shit out of you. You've been unhappy for so long, you deserve this. New wife is delicious. Smart. Your friends love her, she does that thing you really like.


Deep down, you know this isn't going to work though.


Dan Campbell is not capable of making the right decision for his team during their most critical and high leveraged moments.


This is why, Lions fans, if you actually care about winning Super Bowls, Dan Campbell can't be your coach. Of course he will be your coach forever though. He's dynamic and fun and huge and handsome. I wanna go strap on a helmet right now and blow out my 42 y/o ACLs for him!


What we are finding out though is that coaching requires multiple kinds of intelligence, not just schemes or pep talks. It's embarrassing that men smart enough to be head football coaches and guide multi-billion dollar companies (that's what NFL teams are) in this world do not have a sense of basic situational probability that I can teach to my 9 year old.


The NFL is the only business in the entire world that would entrust multi multi-billion dollar franchises to men not smart enough to come in out of the rain. For the life of me I can't figure it out.


I love Dan Campbell. Kinda wish he was the Seahawks new coach so that I could try to personally sell my game/clock management services to him. But he doesn't get it. Neither did Brandon Staley, or does Mike McCarthy. If you aren't going to spend the time and effort to learn the math of situational probability, you need to have an incredible mathematical and situational intuition to overcome that. (Don't worry McCarthy, I know that you are right this very second grinding tape in your basement in between destroying some Hostess __________ )


I think we can all agree Dan Campbell has neither of these things.


All of that gunslinger go for it every time shit lands great with players. Dan Campbell does believe in his players with all his heart and soul, and that no doubt skews him to be aggressive in these situations. There's a massive difference however between going against the math of a situation because you've been saving a special play for that spot, and just being plain stupid. Bravery is great unless it leads to your untimely football death.


The Lions lost this game for a 1000 reasons tonight, not the least of which is they don't actually know how to catch a football. But fuuuuuuuuuuuck Dan Cambell. You gotta get somebody in there, somebody next to you that can tell you the correct thing to do in these spots. Because you just don't know. When you didn't take the points in the 3rd quarter to go up 3 scores.....I knew. You don't get it. You can't just charge into every situation by saying, "we are the Lions, this is what we do, this is our team identity and we will live and die by it.". Horse. Fucking. Shit Dan Campbell, that's what that response is. That's just super that you can stand up there and face the music and say all of that motivational self help bullshit to the media, AFTER YOUR TEAM DIED DAN CAMPBELL. YOUR PATIENT HAD A CHANCE TO LIVE, AND YOU MURDERED THEM DAN CAMPBELL.

Imagine if paramedics applied that kind of logic to what they do and stood up at the podium after they had horrifically let someone die because of gross incompetence and said the following statement:


"As paramedics, we never let new information or the actual situation at the scene dictate our actions. We do what we do the way that we do it, because we're Paramedics!! If the patient dies, so be it, but at least we stayed true to our core principles of who we are. Fuck those patients, they'll make more! It didn't work out the way that we wanted it to, but there will be other patients (seasons) in the future that we will also have no problem murdering if it means we stayed true to our principles. Go Paramedics."


Pretty ridiculous when you think about it that way. But for the Lions, Dan Campbell is good enough. Football is a thinking man's game and has been for a decade. Do the actions of Dan Campbell make you believe that he spends time trying to become a better decision maker for his football team?


Yeah, that's what I thought.


 

I could have gotten you to the Bowl Dan. If you happen to be fortunate enough to be back in any more NFC title games, which I'm incredulous that you will be, let's do this. Let's set up a a direct line cat phone (get it?) from your headset to my couch here in Snohomish on which you can call your SFD (Situational Football Dad) anytime day or night if you get confused about what to do in any football situation. I'd be happy to do that for you, you don't even have to mention me in the post game press conference.


I am sincerely curious how this actually works. Ben Johnson is somewhere between three and nine million times smarter than Dan Campbell by my math. So he calls all of these awesome plays that work all game, (his offensive game plan and implementation were utterly brilliant) and then Campbell just comes in and goes all Teddy Roosevelt, San Juan Hill and overrules him on these 4th downs? It's really bizarre. It's like taking the keys from a racecar driver and giving them to 93 year old grandpa who can't get out of the driveway without destroying the mailbox with his Buick Skylark. I know that Johnson is ultimately the one calling the play, but it's not his finger on the launch button is it? No, that belongs to General Custer over there.


What other multi, multi, multi billion dollar business would just look the other way if their CEO had no idea what to when faced with relatively easy binary decisions that decided if you were profitable or not? None. But NFL teams make money no matter what they do, which in turns leads to embarrassing and ineffective coaches and entire organizations (Carolina).


  

 

I'm really sorry Lions fans. You are a very good football team and might be good for another half decade. You'll have to get just that much better though to overcome the 1.5 pt deficit your ham-fisted coach puts you in every time he makes a decision more complicated than when to use the potty.

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