This opinion might not land well in certain circles, but that doesn’t shake my belief in the validity of it. I am a privileged, 42 y/o homeowning white male who is about to talk about black guys being extra black, and encouraging them to lean in to their blackness. I am the cliche of cliches of the person who isn’t allowed to speak on these kinds of things. If I could implore you to hear me (read me?) out though, I’m probably not heading the direction you think.
Let me be clear and unequivocal in what I’m saying. I, along with millions and millions of other gamblers across 7 continents, lost oceans and galaxies of money on the Ravens. Yes, though I can’t directly confirm it, I do believe that someone from Antarctica bet on the Ravens to cover. I had multiple tickets on the Ravens at adjusted lines of -6.5 or better. Woop ti Woop. I’m not crying about my gambling losses. If you are a true professional it’s just a data point, you learn from it (hopefully), and you move on. Where my beef resides is regarding the decisions made by the Ravens coaching staff in both pre-game planning (game plan) and in-game decisions.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a worse coaching failure in a game of that magnitude. I’m dead fucking serious. Here’s how I know this. It’s not just the public money that was pouring in on the Ravens all week and especially the few hours preceding kickoff. The professional Sharp money was deluging in as well. Sorry general public, except those of you who consume my articles and thoughtfully think about them, you’re a bunch of morons. You are. Is anyone really contesting this? Just wake up and walk outside and you’re likely to see 5 other morons just like yourself (me included) looking at the sky wondering what makes this all work. The public bets favorites, sexy teams, sexy players, overs, Anytime TD scores, and other various parlays that send casino managers on 3 week trips to Bali with $10 whores.
The book sets the line, the public moves it. Never forget that.
I would be the first one to tell you if I thought the Ravens strapped up their helmets, gave 110% effort, and died on the hill of an excellent game plan against a superior team.
That’s not what happened here. Those of you holding Chiefs tickets might not be able to be honest about this since you have the ultimate confirmation bias of a winning ticket, but the Ravens did in fact lose this game more than the Chiefs won it.
How can I possibly say that? Open your mind for just a minute and consider the possibility of truth existing on a scale. It’s not binary. Both of the following statements are true:
The Chiefs are champions. Through and through. I could just stop there. They have the best player ever. (Fuck You, Brady Cocklickers One and All. He is the most accomplished quarterback ever. He has never once achieved the actual play-for-play brilliance Mahomes has. Mahomes has every single intangible quality that Brady had, plus physical tools that Brady could only masturbate in the room next to Giselle at night and think about. I’ll debate you Bradyphiles in front of God and everyone anytime, anywhere, any place. Skip Bayless, Bill Simmons, IDGAF. Bring it on. Prepare to be embarrassed if you accept this challenge though, because you are backing the wrong horse and I will pull your football arguing pants down underwear and all in front of the entire class) They had an awesome game plan, and their best 5 players (Mahomes, Kelce, Jones, Sneed, McDuffie) dominated the Ravens best 5 (Jackson, Hamilton, Flowers, Smith, Madubike). These are facts that I can verify because I saw them with my own 2 eyes on Sunday.
The Chiefs played AWESOME. They put the game in the hands of their inner circle VIP Room Hall of Famers (GOAT QB, GOAT TE, Top 5 Coach) and subsequently had the Best D-Lineman currently (Jones), and best DB duo (Sneed and McDuffie) follow suit in letting the Ravens know exactly who their Daddy was and what he wants ready for dinner when he comes home. BTW, it’s a chicken dinner, in honor of the Chiefs being the winner-winner, and also the complete chicken-shit cowardice of the Ravens. What other words can I say? The Chiefs played to their abilities and dominated the Ravens to a point that the final score does not begin to encapsulate.
In spite of all the bloviating I just did on how great the Chiefs were in this game, they still shouldn’t have won. The Ravens gave the Chiefs the perfect scenario to come into their house and do what they did, because they got entirely away from what made them one of the greatest regular season teams of this generation.
2. The 2024 AFC Championship game is the single worst instance of big game coaching that I have seen in my lifetime. I say this because the Ravens were one of the most dominant regular season teams the league has had in some time. They were built for the playoffs. They were built to play their style, in this game, against this QB, and announce to the AFC that we aren’t going to watch another 20 years of NE develop in KC.
In all sincerity, I will never be able to understand coaches and teams that go completely away from who they are and what’s been working (not just working, but fantastically working) for them all season. (career?) We are obsessed as consumers of football media in anointing coaches as boy geniuses. We are. Do you ever hear the word brilliant attached to a defensive coach? Of course not, only offensive (specifically young, White Offensive Coordinators) coaches get this distinction. This coaching hiring cycle confirms this and is no different. A whole bunch of "smartest dudes in the room" types. Hopefully my team (Seahawks) will end up with 17 year old Ravens DC Mike McDonald, who God willing might be able to teach someone, anyone on the Seahawks defense how to correctly tackle. I told Pete and John that I would gladly come teach correct tackling to the hometown 11, but my calls were roundly ignored. Their loss! I would have done it for free if they just comped my Uber down to the VMac.
I have 3 very simple questions for the Ravens decision makers.
You do know that you have the most athletic, best rusher in the world on your team right? Right?? Right???!!??
We’ve come a hell of a long way from Doug Williams. So far in fact, of the best 15 QB’s in the world right now, (Mahomes, Burrow, Allen, Herbert, Stafford, Goff, Jackson, Stroud, Love, Dak, Murray, Purdy, Hurts, Tua, Cousins) 7 of them are black! Not to mention the starters in the rest of the league like Wilson, Smith, Fields, Richardson, Bryce Young, I could go on. That’s pretty good if you ask me! The trend towards the black quarterback is a fully engulfed raging inferno right now. The Black Quarterback has FUCKING ARRIVED. Makes sense to me, why would you not want the most important and difficult position to play in sports manned by your best athlete, which is almost overwhelmingly likely to be black? Look at the draft this year. 3 of the top 5 QB prospects are black. Perhaps as early as the end of next season, we will be mentioning Stroud and Love as Top 5 QB’s as well. I firmly believe that at some point in the next 24 months, this will be how the quarterback rankings go:
Stroud/Love (I honestly can’t decide who I’d rather have)
*I do believe Burrow to be the 2nd best QB when he’s healthy. I’m just not sure how much Burrow we are going to get over his career. What we do get will be brilliant, but he’s already missed so much time I just can’t ignore it in evaluating him*
One name from that list is of course conspicuously missing. Chew on this gumshoes, if Lamar had won this game against Mahomes, there would already be click bait First Take A-Block style carnival barking about Lamar being the best player in the world. It would of course be false, but that’s what was at stake here for Lamar. That was before Todd Monken decided that even though he had the cheat code sitting right in front of him, he was going to show everyone how brilliant a play caller he is(n't) and that Lamar wasn’t just a runner and the Ravens could do whatever they wanted on offense.
You fuckin’ dumbass Todd Monken. Next-level buffoonery. Truly "elite." The only ass bigger than you in that stadium on Sunday belonged to Andy Reid, a real coach who miraculously doesn't have to be reminded who is on his team or how to use them! Did you think that if Lamar went for 198 and 3 scores on the ground that somehow meant you aren’t a good OC because you didn’t call cool looking pass plays you spent all night drawing up? Because that's what it looked like to me I’m dead-ass serious with that question Toddsigans. I want to know specifically, in your own words, why the fuck did you not just run the ball 47 times against the Chiefs and work in 19 wide open TE/WR drag passes to Flowers and Likely? I came up with that game plan sitting here on my couch in the last 30 seconds. What's your fuckin' excuse ToddyWoddies? Did that opening drive from Mahomes make you shit your pants so horribly that you abandoned the original game plan before your first snap? I guess what I'm trying to say here is we need to figure out if you are going to be charged with football murder or football manslaughter. Rest assured, regardless of what I charge you with in Ryan's Court of Football Justice, (gotta make it more scary and Stalin-y, I'll work on that) your season (patient) is still very much dead.
Ravens Time of Death: 7:41 1st QTR
$3 FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS Todd Monkey(n)-Brains, and you aren’t smart enough to give the ball the best single rusher in NFL History. Don’t believe me Todd Monkey(n)-Brains? Answer this question for me. No wait, since you won’t be able to, I'll do it for you.
What is the single scariest play in football Monkey(n)-Brains? The play that makes every DC go straight Code Brown when they realize it’s happening? Oh! Oh! Oh! I know! Pick me!
It’s Lamar Jackson escaping the pocket into a field of green you FUCKING IDIOT!! Action Jackson running the football is pure, uncut visual heroin to everyone watching with the exception being those getting gashed by Lamar and needing new underpantsies. It's just as fun and appealing to watch as your precious passing game Toddles, and it's actually the basis of everything that gives your team it's juice. Having a Didge Viper ACR-X in the garage is completely fucking useless if you can't drive a stick, isn't it my little Monksie-Wunksies? Pretty embarrassing a man of 57 years old in the United States can't actually drive a manual transmission. Yeah, I'm totally manshaming you, which is slightly different than the mansplaining happening in the rest of this piece.
Would you like me to show you how to drive a stick MunkenBunkens? I'm very patient and an excellent teacher. I learned from my Mom, who also would have been smart enough to run Lamar Jackson QB Power until the Chiefs said Uncle.
Admittedly I am wicked smaaaaart, but I don’t think I’m the only asshole on the couch that knows these things. You pretty much just have to have eyeballs and be more intelligent than a basket full of freshly picked fennel. I bet Kirby Smart would have designed some runs for Lamar Jackson, Monkey(n)-Brains! He's winning titles with white guys at QB who would lose a 40 yard dash to Lamar if they started at the 20 and Lamar was forced to start by way of a 1938 physical bell-attached round alarm clock. At a minimum, I feel fairly confident in saying Kirby would have grabbed you by the nape of your neck and slammed your forehead into the desk and shattered your septum in a Reacher-esqe inspired homage and told you to try the fuck again DrunkenMonken. Run Gus Edwards. And Justice Hill. And Dalvin Cook, Dane Cook, Captain James Cook, Rachel Leigh Cook, and the Mexican Cook at IHOP that made your kids their chocolate chip pancakes the last time you went. Fuck Me Munkle Bunkles, you could have played The Time of My Life over the PA system while giving the ball 6 consecutive times to David Fucking Cook over whatever that was that you came up with for a gameplan Monkey(n)-Brains! Who did you ask for help on that? Hellen Keller? Harry Styles? Snuffleupagus?
COULD WE PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE AMAZING LAMAR JACKSON ANYONE OTHER THAN THE AMAZING LAMAR JACKSON?!?! PLEASE?!?! I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE SEEING THAT NO ONE CAN STOP THE LIGHTNING FAST BLACK GUY WHEN HE RUNS THE BALL AM I?! AM I??
Todd Monkey(n)-Brains, the Ravens paid you $3M this year to be their OC. I feel it's only right that you give every last penny of that back to them following that most shameful performance against the Chiefs. They can use it to pay someone like me who is conscious enough to design plays for the Black guy on our team named Lamar Jackson that no one on the other team can catch or tackle.
Mr Bisciotti, Steve, if I may. For 1/10 the price of what you paid Tootle's this season, I will spend at least 45 minutes on our playoff game plans next season. If you read the rest of the article though, you'll know that they aren't too complicated and most of that 45 minutes will be spent playing video games. In any event, our team will still be 1 million percent better than the unsanitized, back-alley Brazilian abortion you witnessed be performed on your team today by JV John and Toodles. This is because I am smart enough to know that #8 is in fact on our team, under contract, and it is totally within the rules to utilize him however we see fit. This may include running the ball with him over and over and over until our opponent is dead.
You know what the biggest difference between us is Toodle Flakes?
I wouldn't be afraid to look Lamar Jackson directly in his beautiful black face and say the following words:
"Today is your day Jacksy. I don't give a fuck if we throw one single, solitary pass today. This is the moment we've been waiting for. This is YOUR moment. The time for prudence and caution has passed. Our time is now. YOUR time is NOW.
You are about to run like you've never run before Jacksy. NO rules. NO restrictions. If you see it, you GO. And then you go AGAIN. And we will keep going, and going, and going. YOU will keep going. We are going to grab on for dear life to the rockets (slap both my hands on his thigh pads) that are your legs and ride you straight to the Bowl. You don't have to be anyone other than you Lamar. Who are we worried will say you aren't a great QB if you do it with your legs? A bunch of limp dick scouts and talking heads that if they actually knew anything would be coaching instead of scouting/barking? You are 1 of 1 Jacksy. Ain't nobody like you, ain't nobody gonna be like you. That's not a good thing. That's a GREAT THING. FUCK THEM LAMAR. FUCK ALL OF THEM RIGHT IN THEIR FACES WITH THAT BLACK HANMER YOU HAVE. Who gives a fuck how we win. Let's just WIN.
(Dead-on stare after dramatic pause, followed by a devilish wink and grin)
Let's go BLACKOUT on these Foos Jacksy."
Colin Cowherd has a phrase: “Don’t try to be happier than happy.” It’s utterly brilliant from its simplicity to its real world implementation.
The Ravens are not content with just being happy. They aren’t. This is why the Ravens can't have nice things. They want to win in a specific way that will seemingly “prove everyone wrong” about Lamar and the perceptions of him coming into the league that he is still very obviously dealing with right this second.
Phil Jackson would have never asked Shaquille O’Neal to start taking 24 foot jump shots because some idiot in a draft guide said that a dude 7-1 300lbs might not shoot the 3 at 40% for his career. WHO. FUCKING. CARES. When Shaq stuffed Mutumbo’s testicles down his throat and through the basket, was anyone out there touting Shaq’s free throw deficiencies? Nope! You know what Phil said? Do it again Shaq! Again! Again! Again! And he did. He was undoubtedly (RIP Kobe) the best player on 4 title teams, despite wherever the Finals hardware ended up. Shaq put his basket-shattering testicles down the throat of everything in his path for about 13 straight years. Why? Because it fucking worked Todd Monkey(n)-Brains! Spectacular-ly!!! If you get to pick the big kid at recess for your team, pick the big kid at recess for your team MonkenFartz!
The Lakers didn’t try to get happier than happy Monkey(n)-Brains! And Lamar can throw the ball a thousand times better than Shaq could ever hope to shoot free throws or threes.
The Ravens asked a Ferrari to pull a 5th-wheel on Sunday. It just wasn’t quite sexy enough for them to win a 20-17 bloodbath in which they ran the ball 42 times for 257 yards with Lamar going for 198 of that. Those numbers were absolutely there for them if they wanted, instead choosing to challenge the absolute teeth of the KC defense (Sneed and McDuffie) and sling it around all afternoon. Gus Edwards had 1 carry in the 1st quarter for………15 yards. Finished the game with 3 for 20. That's flat-out unacceptable Monkey(n)-Brains. If I were Steve Bisciotti, I would have come down from my box and put a little juice into your pending job search and fired you at halftime and gotten you an Uber to Kansas City so you could think about what you did on that 39 hour car ride. But I'm sure Mr. Biscotti is far more measured than I am and has nowhere near the football knowledge capable of understanding just how bad you fucked the dog on this Todd.
I would have known not to hire you immediately just based on you having the name Todd. No one has ever met someone named Todd in their entire life that they actually like. I stand by this. Do you know a Todd in your life worth a shit at anything? Cuz I don't. Every single Todd that I know ranks somewhere between a pile of shit and the feeling you would get being tasked with going on a scavenger hunt for Taylor Swift's forthcoming engagement ring Travis Kelce is storing in the naval cavity of Andrew Reid.
It’s a good thing you’re actively looking for other jobs Todd. To my horror, I hear my Seahawks are very interested in you. We’ve already had a 1000 lifetimes worth of poor play calling here in Seattle, so kindly keep it moving. 16 carries for 81 yards in that game is a fireable offense as far as I’m concerned. You should be criminally liable for something after that performance. 2nd degree championship manslaughter? You really, really fucked up here Todd. Football Daddy can't make it better for you this time.
Think about it peeps. If you fucked up as bad at your job as Harbaugh and Monkey(y)-Brains did at theirs on Sunday, would you still be holding yours? Maybe if you work in government, but not in the private sector where results matter. This was a horrific workplace accident that is absolutely going to start clock over on the number of days since our last horrific workplace accident.
Championship murder in the first degree. Yes that sounds much better. That's what you did Toddsies and I can't unsee it.
You, my little Poodle Toodles, just cost Lamar Jackson the best chance he will ever have to win a Bowl. Because you are just too much of a pussy to let a super black quarterback be a super black quarterback that took your dumbass to the Super Bowl. Which he would have done, had you let him ShitForBrains. But then it would have been about Lamar getting the attention and not your brilliant game plan, right? You Fuckface. Your tiny dick white guy ego (you too JV John) was more important than actually achieving the Pinnacle of your profession and letting a black guy be the star of the show. Right? Of course I'm right. It's the only thing that explains your actions on Sunday other than you being legally retarded, and I don't think you are legally retarded. I'm not certain that you aren't legally retarded, but that doesn't mean I didn't miss one of Schefter's tweets about it.
We can say these things in 2024 right? Not the retard stuff. I know you can't say that. But the black guy stuff We can say that one particular black guy is far and away (Vick included) the best athlete that a mostly white position has ever seen right? God I hope that’s ok. Because that’s what he is. Lamar Jackson is a singularly unique talent at the QB position directly related to him being both black as hell, and fast as hell. Correlation? Causation? IDK. I’m really getting out here now aren’t I? I better tread cautiously now. Definitely can’t say things like: “Can we just let this super amazing BLACK out of this world athlete just do what he does best and we can all go home happy? Fucking A Todd Monkey(n)-Brains, and the rest of the football world. When will you ever get it? Probably right about the time that Lamar will be too old to use his legs in ways that he can now. Let me see if I can reduce this to a level that you can actually understand Toddy Poddy:
ITS OK TO CALL AN AMAZING BLACK ATHLETE AN AMAZING BLACK ATHLETE, AND THEN LET THEM BE AN AMAZING BLACK ATHLETE. IF YOU'D HAVE LET LAMAR BE THE SINGULARLY SPECIAL AMAZING BLACK ATHLETE THAT HE IS, YOU'D BE HEADING TO VEGAS INSTEAD OF AT HOME WATCHING WITH ME TODDSIES.
Hey Baltimore Ravens, I’m about to change your life. Seriously. Completely free of charge in-game and pre-game consulting. No producer credit needed. I’m totes serious on this. You can skip your entire offseason program and preseason if you want. Yep. None of it matters. The regular season too. The only thing that matters is the playoffs. When you get there next year, which you most certainly will barring horrific injury, give me a call and fly me out. I’ll need a headset that works of course that allows me to talk to JV John, (I call John Harbaugh this so I don’t get him confused with the favorite child, the non braindead, non-pusscake, and light years better coach, brother Jim) and Monkey(n)-Brains or whatever 37 y/o ShitForBrainsBoyGenius you have running the offense next year. Any time JV John or 37 y/o ShitForBrainsBoyGenius wants to do anything other than run the ball with Lamar and create TE rollouts off it, they will be summarily shocked in the testicles with a dog-style shock collar already neatly fastened to both of their undergarments by your lovely equipment staff. Following each of these brief but intense shock treatments, I will systematically and authoritatively in my best scary Dad voice say the following statement word for word into the ears of JV John and/or 37 y/o ShitForBrainsBoyGenius/MonkenBallz
“If you even mention that play again Monkey(n)-Brains/ ShitForBrains/JV John, so help me-fucking-God, you’re going to be begging me to hook these dog collars back up to your nuts compared to what I’m going to do to you in that dimly lit, dark room deep beneath the stadium I had constructed for this very purpose. Run. The. Fucking. Ball. MORONS. Repeat. Don’t think I won’t do terrible things to you in that room Todd, because I will. And I’ll enjoy it. Every, fucking, minute of it.
Now Run the Fucking Ball with our Secret (he's not really a secret) Weapon Beautiful Black as Hell QB you fuckin’ Campbells. (my favorite new term for dummies) That’s being the smartest dude in the room.”