Updated: Apr 22
As a continuing effort here at ROE to provide the best PSA's around regarding vehicle-related bullshit, we are proud to present our latest PSA regarding the most felonious vehicles you are likely to encounter. This list is not exhaustive as I'm sure we all know plenty of felons that drive cars not listed here. The Chevy Corsica and Ford Tempo come to mind for me personally regarding the shitbag felons in my life. Perhaps you know someone with a Pontiac Aztec or Vibe, or anything made by Oldsmobile. The felonious demographic is far reaching and highly diversified, but here is my best guess as to which cars to avoid to keep yourself the safest. Enjoy.
This is an easy one. Anyone who is moderately successful has never purchased a base model Charger. Lotsa mulleted Bubba's here. These things are big, cheap, loud, and fast. Kinda like that gross chick at the bar everyone's had a turn with but is trying to forget. The felons of course do not have the cash or credit for the Hellcat versions, but don't tell them that. They are gonna drive that fucker way harder than the SXT trim is built for. According to internal Dodge data, no SXT Charger owner has ever had a credit score above 600 and a full-time job where they weren't paid in cash. Chargers are like comets in that they are much easier to spot at night. These felonious Charger owners are rarely up before 5pm as their shift at the Amazon Fulfillment Center as Assistant Shift Lead doesn't begin until 7pm. On the weekends they can be found blowing your doors off on the freeway as they race other felons back to FillInTheBlank Estates using no headlights or turn signals. Dodge is heading the direction of becoming all-electric within the next 5 years though, which will of course solve all of their felonious problems as completely as penicillin solves gonorrhea and syphilis.
I was shocked to see a reputable brand like Nissan make this list, but I can't deny the truth or the numbers. In an unpublished study of my own conducted over the past several years, I found that 72% of the time that I said either "what the fuck is this guy doing?" or "Golly, this gentleman looks like he's up to good things" that I was talking about someone driving some sort of Nissan product. It makes sense when you think about it. Nissan is the cheapest car brand in America by average new car price. Their premium is everyone else's shitty. Felons, especially the repeat-offenders associated with Nissans, don't typically have a ton of money to spend on vehicles. Well, they may have at one time depending on their extracurricular businesses, but they certainly don't anymore if they are rolling around in a busted up 2009 Altima, which even in the times of outrageous used car prices can still be had for $2k or less. Felons who drive the Frontier compact pickup truck hope to one day be able to upgrade to a 1990s Toyota Tacoma when their subprime credit score climbs out of the toilet. The Versa is actually the cheapest new car sold in America, but oddly being a hatchback and having a shred of utility is completely useless to the felons. Felons avoid fuel efficient cars like above the table full-time jobs Like Dodge, Nissan is hoping to transition to becoming an all-electric brand starting with the Ariya this year, which should clean up their felonious image almost instantly being that no felon has ever purchased an electric car.
1993-1997 Infinity J30
I am definitely cheating a little bit here being that an Infiniti is just a Nissan with lipstick on. This doesn't mean that you should let your guard down though. If you happen to see a J30 anywhere near you, avoid it like a Hammerhead shark at a public beach or the dentist before you absolutely need to go. If the car is not currently involved in an active felony, it won't be long before it is. In my neck of the woods, Federal Way, Washington is the unofficial chapter president of the Felonious Infinity Club. I almost didn't recognize the car during my searches, as I have never actually seen one with correct paint that didn't look like it was being used as a practice dummy for a Muay Thai competition. Most of the time you'll hear them before you see them thankfully, owing to the fact they will be traveling whatever the speed limit is +80% with music volume to match. J30's are often carrying multiple felons at once, none of course which have a current license. In-car security is top notch though, as the car will not start without a thumbprint scan verifying the felonious owner's identity through the NCIC national criminal database.
1990's Honda Civic/Prelude/Accord
This is a Kent, WA special right here. Maybe where you live too. Hondas are for the felons who caught a case being involved in poorly planned financial crimes that can afford ever so slightly more than the Dodge crowd. It's really a testament to the quality of Honda that so many of their older cars are still on the road and able to be driven by the massive amount of shitheads that do. You would think that if you were a two-time felon, you would want to keep a lower profile than the condition most of these cars are kept in. I suppose that if you were capable of that level of self-awareness that you might not be a felon in the first place. Current tabs would be a good starting place, followed by matching body panels, a suspension that hasn't been lowered to the pavement, tail lights that actually work and look factory instead of like a Christmas tree and windows covered in stickers proclaiming your love in an unreadable font for whatever country's dictatorship your parents escaped from. Then there is the exhaust. I'm not sure there is any other identifier in the western world that says I will likely outlive my IQ in numbers than a poorly installed, earsplitting, oversized exhaust. They are the mating call of the felon, the official duck whistle of shit birds.
Felons are always excited when GM rolls out an updated version of their best selling large SUVs as this means they will now be able to afford the 3 generations back, branded title examples they will soon be bidding on at their local auto auction. Part of the mandated dress code If you are going to be a felon with a large SUV is the requirement of at least 24 inch rims with no more than three matching tires. Felons who choose large SUVs like these are usually involved in group-based heist crimes of 5 to 7 people. Unfortunately for many felons, their getaway attempts are thwarted by putting seven people in a vehicle that has a quarter inch of sidewall on the tires, resulting in multiple tire blowouts and getting arrested on the side of the freeway in a fishbowl where all of your other felon buddies can point and laugh at you. Research has consistently shown that if you have 26 inch rims or above and multiple subwoofers in the trunk, you are approximately 8 million times more likely to be a felon than someone driving a Prius.
Pretty much any Dodge, Ever.
I probably should have just given Dodge it's own column. No other brand personifies Shitbag Life the way that Dodge does. It is their Coat of Arms. Dodge has had so many cars suffer commercial flops that it's felonious owners are actually spread out very evenly over a wide range of models. If you should happen to encounter anyone driving a Neon, Daytona, Dynasty, Spirit, Stealth, Magnum, Intrepid, Stratus, Avenger, Durango, Journey, Nitro, Dart, Caliber, Shadow, Grand Caravan or Challenger, you would be wise to stear clear of these uninsured widow-makers. A recent study found that over 84% of Dodge owners do not actually have valid car insurance, with the remaining 16% having The General. If the Dodge brand were a country it would be the South Sudan. The net worth of every current Dodge owner combined is still less than what Pete Rose receives to do an autograph session at strip malls in Dayton. Look on the bright side though Dodge owners, our time on this earth is limited and we will all soon be dead, relieving you of having to drive any more Dodges.
2014 Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT
The Grand Cherokee SRT is really just a Durango SRT by another name, so I'm stretching a little bit here to not just include it with the rest of the Dodge entries. I can certainly understand the pragmatic value as a felon of having a getaway car that can really scoot. What I can't understand is wanting to have a car so loud that Beethoven could hear you coming. The Grand Cherokee SRT will actually not operate correctly unless it's felonious owner is going at least twice the posted speed limit, which is just fine by them. Hopefully the high-speed chase that you are on ends fairly quickly with the 3 mpg you'll be getting when you floor it.
Unbeknownst to me prior to researching this article, there is actually a requirement for anyone purchasing a Saturn to already have two felonies on the books, with at least one of them needing to be violent. That tracks based on who I see driving these cars. I could be wrong on this, but I'm pretty sure Saturns only came in one color, felony purple. Rarely, if ever, will you see one that doesn't look like two woolly mammoths were playing catch with it on their tusks. Saturn actually made a couple of decent cars, most notably the Vue. They've just never been driven by any decent people. Al Cowlings reportedly tried to drive OJ away in a '92 Saturn S-Series prior to ending up in the infamous White Bronco, but of course the S-Series wouldn't start due to it being a total piece of shit. The Saturn brand was discontinued in 2010 when GM realized they already made plenty of shitty cars and didn't need the Saturn name clogging up any more of their already crowded dealership signs. Pluto would have been a better name for the Saturn brand as it was also determined to be so small and shitty that it got 86'd from the Milky Way's Official Planet List in 2006 and is still yelling at security outside of da' club trying to get back in.