The Beverly Hills Los Angeles Chargers of Culver City have a little problem. Several really. None of them particularly small, either. They don't have a coach, and haven't for many years now. They also don't have their own stadium. They barely even have fans. Shit, this sounds bad.
Don't worry, it gets much worse.
The worst problem that the El Segundo Catalina Wine Mixer Chargers of Madison County face is a particularly insidious but incredibly common cancer found among many of today's prominent sports franchises:
Fatal Nepotism.
This is a disease of affluence that causes the children of extreme doers and earners to eventually over time believe that they themselves were the original doers, and therefore have a God-given right to whatever wealth daddy stole or inherited from someone else. What the human mind can convince itself of over time in the face of seemingly overwhelming facts and Truth in the opposite direction is the single most impressive thing the species is capable of. Our ability to adapt in the moment inspite of genuinely disparate information is one of the reasons we are still here. For someone like Dean Spanos to wake up every day feeling like he actually did the things it takes to buy a professional football team is a special kind of delusional transference.
The Spanos' own a car that they can't actually afford to drive and service. This is why Dean Spanos is a moron's moron and sees value at $4 million in someone who can't actually coach (Staley) versus $25 million for a guy(s) that gives him a one in four chance at a Super Bowl. Dean Spanos would 100% rather save that $20 million then have a Super Bowl title. Thankfully, most NFL ownership exist between the poles of the Spanos, and this new wave of financial fucktards like David Tepper, whose infinite fake money gleaned from nothing but pure arbitrage has also given him the incredible insight that has allowed the Panthers to achieve a 30-63 record under his stewardship, with six coaches lying dead in the street. Financial Jesus also granted Tepper the football wisdom to know to trade several very high draft picks and select a 5'10 quarterback #1 which would have surely been available at a spot lower than one. Congratulations Carolina, you just financed a car from yourself.
Just to be clear, I'm not talking about when the Browns traded to get Baker Mayfield, but rather the Panthers this past season to get Bryce Young. What did we learn here kids? We learned that hedge funds are not dynamic businesses with real products and real customers. You weren't a real CEO David Tepper, you're a financial grifter who creates no real value for anyone. Most notably your own team. Instead of trying to build the Panthers from the inside out and make the best value picks available which is what you do when you have a roster as garbage as the one that you own, you chose the event of the spectacle and attention that comes from trading the number one pick dramatically instead of the unspectacular and non- headline driven process of roster building. David Tepper, you view your team as some sort of gross amalgamation of the stock market and the casino. It's why you've fired 6 coaches and managed to win only 30 games since you and your force field of male pattern baldness arrived. It's a little bit harder when you have to try to be successful within a framework of rules like a salary cap isn't it Tepps?
We can't be afraid to call out the super rich for being the morons they are when they are actually morons. Teppsies is a wonderful example of this. Sure, he made billions running his hedge fund. I'm not required to be impressed by this simply because he has a net worth of $20 billion. I'm not here to tell you that everybody that has money or has started a well-known company is a lucky douche bag with no talent or skills. That would be super ignorant and more importantly, not true. What I am asking you to consider is this mentality we have cultivated in our country of worshiping the rich and the practice of drawing a straight line from someone's net worth to their moral and social superiority. David Tepper is super, super rich. he's also an equally large piece of shit with a matching level of social intelligence. If you are the type of person that is blanketly impressed by large amounts of wealth regardless of how it was acquired, kindly uninvite yourself from my birthday party if you received an e-vite. Say and feel whatever and however you want to about Elon, whatever you come up with is right. At least he is building real businesses which employ hundreds of thousands of people which are regulated (work with me here, in relation to hedge funds at least) in the light of day. Whether or not an occupation or profession is legal has nothing to do with and no bearing on its moral or ethical qualities. We don't need hedge funds. The sole (soul?) purpose of their existence is to make obscenely wealthy people more obscenely wealthy by using special legal loopholes, not available to the retail investment markets. I don't hate rich people. In fact, I am very much trying to become one. We don't need hedge funds for a happy and healthy society. Hedge funds are David Tepper. does the NFL need hedge funds to be happy and healthy?
Football players are not stocks, and elite coaches are not found if you do just a little more research. In fact, you are so not smart, your signature roster building move was essentially the equivalent of Chernobyl. If you would have talked to me a year ago, I could have steered you away from this all-time diarrhea doo doo Pampers you made in your pantsies David. But like so many of you hedge fund partially detached hemmorhoids, you're actually not biologically able to care about anything or anyone but yourselves because you're all undiagnosed narcissistic sociopaths focused on nothing other than your own hedonistic and sybaritic financial enrichment
I got news for you Tepper. Your hubris and arrogance are so extreme there is literally 0 mathematical room for any emotional growth in your spirit. You're obviously pretty good at reading the stock charts and making money for people. More than pretty good, you're worth $20 Billion without having actually created one genuinely new organic product or one real organic dollar of economic activity with sustained velocity behind it .
I'm gonna show you right now in real time David that you are no different than a stock chart. Here's my superpower: I'm gonna read your chart right here in front of everyone. Let's see if the following words seem like they could be common sense true about you.
Translation: You are such a world-class asshole that literally creates an emotional black hole in every room you are. A 30 second google search and couple of brief summary reads and something about you is very obvious to me very quickly.
Hey David, it's me again. Just giving you a little more free advice that your multi billion dollar net worth and team of boot licking quantitative analysis Jacobins hasn't been able to teach you.
Instead, I know that you are sitting over there widdling on that 3 inch half mast of yours thinking that Bryce Young is going to turn into Tesla, Uber, or some other 100x stock. That stock was sitting there David, but all of your quantitative analysis and rooms full of guys that went to Dartmouth but don't know how to put on a condom correctly because they've never been given the opportunity couldn't tell you that CJ Stroud was Tesla, and you just blew it David. You think that you will have more chances to get a QB like CJ Stroud. You won't. History shows us this time and again that when you miss, it's forever before you get it right again.
None of this probably bothers you anywhere near what it should though David Tepper, being that the purchase of the Panthers probably cost you less than divorcing that Stepford Wife Robot of yours in 2014. What was the final straw for her David? Your cheating? Did she finally have the balls to tell you that even with all your billions you still can't buy your hair back? That's the way I'm going to remember it in my mind. Jackass.
You are the same guy that took a $2.2 billion paycheck in 2012 with a straight face but can't or won't learn your new industry well enough to know you don't draft a 5 foot 10 quarterback number one unless he's Michael Vick, and even then you probably shouldn't do it. It's so perfect. You were so excited to show everybody your new shiny toy that you got super drunk and drove it straight into a tree at 60 miles an hour at the end of your long driveway with everyone at the holiday party, holding their drink, watching you. I am actually sitting here laughing right now thinking about your reaction every time you see your midget quarterback throw the ball you yet again into the back of the head of another lineman.
Sure sure, you still get to be a multi multi multi billionaire. You'll also get to watch the rest of your contemporaries and their competently run teams every January and February from the comforts of your obscene and obnoxious house. It better be comfy, because you'll never actually be in the playoffs yourself before you get frustrated with your little NFL plush toy and sell it like the overgrown toddler eunuch you are Tepper. I sincerely hope that you don't sell the Panthers though for a very long time. That way, I get to laugh at your meddling incompetence all the way up until one of us is dead. You couldn'
Let's stay on task though about what a shitty person Dean Spanos though and what a terrible job he has done running Daddy's business into the ground.
Because Dean Spanos didn't actually do the work for the lifestyle that his wealth provides him, he has no idea what it actually takes to succeed. Dean Spanos is a small minded, silver spooned ignoramus that thinks that you can get into a nice restaurant (playoffs, titles) with a backwards hat and a torn shirt. (Brandon Staley). Here is where Dean Spanos really shows how stupid he is though. Instead of going and buying a nice outfit from the men's shop across the street for $299 (Jim Harbaugh) and continuing on with his date for the evening and getting laid later back in the hotel room after a couple expensive bottles of wine, Dean Spanos is still sitting there arguing with the hostess about why he should be able to get into the nice restaurant (playoffs, respect) with his shitty clothes (Brandon Staley). Spanos continues to talk and make the situation worse, eventually leading to him, and his date being hard 86'd at the restaurant and instead of banging your date in the shower, you're jerking off in the shower by yourself. That's the story of Dean Spanos folks. A man too dumb to know that he's actually rich. A man too dumb to understand that great value can come at any price, not just low ones, and even though they might cost six times as much, the value of coaches like Sean Payton and Jim Harbaugh is infinitely better than hiring someone who doesn't even achieve a base level of competency (Staley, Hackett) to begin with. cheap is not valuable Dean Spanos, valuable is valuable. I have revolving credit card debt, and I understand that Dean Spanos, what's your excuse?
This why I have arrived at the unshakable conclusion that the Chargers must do everything short of, and possibly including the nonviolent kidnapping of Jim Harbaugh in an effort to convince him to become their next head coach.
I wish to walk that statement back a bit. It occurs to me now that the Spanos family might actually be dumb enough to do something like this unless told that it's not appropriate. Dean, just so you're clear, you should at least try to hire Jim Harbaugh straight up first before resorting to more effective tactics like kidnapping. Never know Dean, he might just take your offer without being kidnapped and tortured. You should be ready and willing to do the other though, Jim's a smart guy and will likely see straight through your slimy used car dealer appearance and approach. Just be ready to smash and grab. He's tall, go for the legs.
That's what I think anyways. About the football coach part, not the kidnapping. Let me unequivocally state that I absolutely do not support the non-violent kidnapping by the Spanos family of Jim Harbaugh or anyone related to him. As funny as the thought of having Jim Harbaugh in the front seat of my car with duct tape across his mouth and a 6-hour drive ahead of me is,
This is also an opinion shared by Podfather Bill Simmons on his most recent namesake podcast with Cousin Sal, hence the genesis of this column. The coaching part about Harbaugh, not the kidnapping. Bill Simmons nor Cousin Sal in no way support the hilarious, non-violent, return-him-in-the-morning with-shaving-cream-on-his-face kidnapping of Jim Harbaugh. I feel that I can speak for both of these men on this topic without having met them. If you by chance happen to not be a subscriber of the Bill Simmons Podcast, please kindly leave my website and don't come back. You're not welcome here. I don't think I have Cookies but to be honest I'm not entirely sure. I won't personally track you I know that. Just seeing that stupid do you want to accept ALL cookies thing pop up on every website is mildly triggering to me. If that's what happens on my website please let me know and I'm sorry in advance I'll try to fix it or maybe someone can help me do it.
On his latest Sunday night pod Simmons deftly and accurately stated the Disneyland Chargers of The Artist Formally Known as El Cajon the Second really are arguably in the worst position of any pro sports franchise. You're a Goddamn genius Gump. But here's the thing. It's still the NFL Billy-Boy. Even though they live in they Mama house, they a little behind on the cell phone, the whole other side of the family wouldn't hand them a bucket of piss if they were on fire (the fans of San Diego), it's still the NFL baby. Dynamic coaches want these jobs, even jobs like the Raiders, Commanders, Jets, and Chargers.
Owners of the NFL, hear me loud and clear on this. You're ALL billionaires now. You don't have to hire incompetent coaches like Nat Hackett, Private Eye (Bill Simmons) and Brandon Staley and Josh McDaniels and Robert Sala. You don't! You can afford real coaches like Sean Payton and Jim Harbaugh if just a couple of your neglected kids don't go to rehab this year. You can! If only these booger-eating, rich assholes like Dean Spanos had poorly paid lowlifes like myself around to explain these things to them in lieu of their teams of incestuous, insufferable, sycophantic douchebags. I guess it doesn't really matter when it's Daddy's business and money does it Dean? Propelled by the 80-mph tailwind that is NFL revenue sharing, even trust fund shitheads like you, Dean Spanos, who don't have the raw business instincts to run a Girl Scout Cookie stand in front of a Haggen's can wake up rounding 3rd base and genuinely think they themselves ran there instead of just admitting that exiting the right vagina and Roger Goodell's sociopathic, tone-deaf leadership style were much more influential factors.
Criticisms of Justin Herbert being a .500 quarterback and "win something that matters other than 9th place dance competition sashes and a thumbs up text from your mom when she's drunk with your new dad giving him a Randy Pandy under the table at Cache Cache" are completely fair and opinions that I also share. Believe it or not Bill, I do. At some point, you gotta do something, even if you had shitty parents dealt to you. Not talking to you personally, I think your Dad is great. And your Mom with the freezer thing and the curse. Fantastic. If Mama Simmons has any space in that freezer, please ask her to do something for the long suffering Mariners. I beg of you. I'll ask her directly if you let me. I love Italian Food. I will eat the shit out of her cooking. The Mariners are still in Ariel Castro's attic Bill. As delusional as this sounds, I don't feel like the Mariners are as bad as their record says they are, but fuck me Bill Simmons, still the ONLY team to NEVER make a World Series?!? We've had Junior and Randy and A-Rod and Felix and Edgar Martinez --
(Despite what any of you diaper-filling Analytics perverts say, there aren't 5 better hitters in the MLB right now than Edgar Martinez. Who cares how many games he missed with injuries. Imagine what his numbers would have been if his hamstrings hadn't been half falling off the back 3/4 of his career after 93'. But seriously though, I'm sure you're a gentlemen and a scholar Pete Alonso, but Sports Fan Fuck You and your .217 average and 46 jacks and 151 k's. I know I know, chicks dig the long ball. But that shit SUCKS to watch bro. I know nobody actually gives a shit about that, but I do. Go watch YouTube clips of Edgar Martinez. Dude just squared the ball up for 18 years. 41 years old and he's still out there hitting .268. Still ripping off .298/24/98 at 40 with guys throwing steroid balls at him. He may very well have been on steroids too, but since that doesn't help my argument, I'm going to selectively ignore it.)
People that think players like Pete Alonso are better than players like Edgar Martinez are the same type of people (Daryl Morey) that think players like James (3 for 11, Zach Lowe, The Lowe Post Podcast) Harden and Russell Westbrook are better than players like Draymond Green and Jimmy Butler. They aren't Daryl Morey, you fat nerd. I checked your Wiki page and couldn't find it, but judging by your soft form I doubt you participated in serious athletics. Shame on me (and you for letting yourself go so far) if you did, you just appear to be kind of dumpy and unathletic which profiles directly to the stats dork that you are. I imagine you might have been a virgin well into your 20's but I dont' know that for sure Daryl Morey. Just making an assumption. I know it's wrong to assume things but hurt people hurt people Daryl Morey.
I don't give a damn what your stupid little TI-85 calculator says Daryl Morey, James Harden has not even been a neutral force when his teams have needed him the most in the Playoffs. Don't insult me with your numbers you pear-shaped dweeb. I have eyes. He's been straight up D.B. Cooper MIA, IMO. That means his functional value is 0 Daryl Morey. I can't actually afford to at the moment, but whenever your silly little Sloan conference is, if you fly me out I'd be happy to give a talk at it. Seriously. You might learn something. Worse than neutral as I say Daryl Morey, since guys like Harden cost you a max all the way until they are super old, and sometimes even then. And the draft capital you have to give up in a trade if you acquire them via that route. But I don't have to tell you that of course. Remember the Chris Paul trade to OKC? Yikes.....that's the GM version of what...your wife finding out about your secretary in an accidental Reply-All incident? TBC, I'm not saying that's your situation. Please don't sue me Daryl Morey. But it still wouldn't make me wrong even if you did sue me Daryl Morey.
Hey Daryl, do you have anything in your neat little bag of stats there which might help us quantify just how spectacularly bad and small James and the Tiny Testicles have been when it matters most? I tried to find it, but just like James Harden's effort and emotional engagement in any game that remotely matters, it's completely vanished right when I needed it.....hmmmn. Must be here somewhere but I just can't find it. James? James? James-ie? Buddy are you here? It's me, Daryl. This isn't funny any more James...... Nobody is gonna hurt you James, you can come out of hiding now. That very bad Playoffs Man can't hurt you any more.
Unless we don't actually care about trying to win the NBA tournament. In which case James Harden is a wonderful player as it appears to me that James Harden very much gives zero fucks about actually winning the NBA basketball tournament played at the end of the season, though I imagine he won't win the one played in the middle now either. I guess there is a mid-season thing now but I don't really understand what that is. I don't pay much attention to basketball until football is over. Nobody does. What do you mean I wasn't supposed to say that? Adam really doesn't know the NBA season doesn't start until the Super Bowl MVP tells us they are going to Disneyland? All kinds of crazy things can happen in the NBA prior to game 50. I heard a good one the other day. Customer I was dropping off in the car (Lyft) said the Timberwolves had the best record in the league this year. These people think that I will just believe anything. The T-Wolves dude? You're trying to convince me we don't have to respect women anymore and it's OK to say the N-word again. I'm slightly incredulous to say the least. I only have 1 question: Do they still have Towns and the Eiffel the Stifle? Yeah, count me out. When April, and God forbid or willing May rolls around, Towns will be right where he always is: sucking his thumb on the team bus watching Peppa pig hoping it all just goes away.
It's amazing Daryl, you've got all those fancy teams of Ivy League analytics bedwetters running around there and not a one of you can just look right in front of your pimpled faces and see when a guy sucks. It's incredible really. That's because none of you played a real team sport (not Math or Debate Daryl) past the age of 10 and women likely found all of you somewhere between awkward at best and call the cops creepy at worst.
What do you make a year Daryl, way, way north of $10 million right? You're a super, super smart dude. I actually mean that despite what I'm saying about your roster-building acumen. Your net worth has to be north of 50 million with all the various smart investments you no doubt have categorized on an Excel sheet full of way too many brightly highlighted little cells. All that is true, and so is the following statement that I've wanted to say publicly for about a decade now:
Daryl Morey, you've been jock-ridden by a good portion of the basketball media for a decade now and I can't for the life of me figure out why. In my estimation, you don't actually know a goddamn honest thing about the sport of basketball. We have years and years of irrefutable evidence now to support this claim. Let me be clear in saying something that I feel is painfully obvious but I've never heard anyone else actually say out loud:
You had no fucking idea what you were getting when you traded for Harden in '12, and don't you for a minute say you did. I know this because you've literally at no other time displayed any actual basketball scouting acumen. I think between us girls over this fence post Daryl that when you watch basketball games you have no actual fucking idea what you're looking at on either a socio/emotional level or an X's and O's level. I know this because your Sistine Chappel is James Harden, and what you traded to get Russell Westbrook. I could just mic drop this whole thing right there.
James Harden is that kid growing up that you want to punch so very, very hard in the face because he has the NES Advantage your family can't afford and you are stuck with the very pedestrian and most certainly non-turbo standard issue NES controller. James displays the social intelligence of Donald Trump and proceeds to use the turbo function on his NES Advantage and destroys you in all the games you play even though no reasonable person that wasn't Helen Keller or a complete narcissist would ever think of playing video games against other people this way, even if it's technically legal to do so.
It's like that episode of South Park where Cartman tells Butters you can't go around just shooting people in the dick. You just don't do it. Well, James, the way you play basketball is like shooting people in the basketball dick. You shot me and my basketball watching dick more times than I care to remember. Unfortunately for you, Daryl Morey couldn't be your wise sage and tell you not to play that way. We can't really be mad at him though. To tell someone that they are playing in the wrong way, implies that you know the right way.
This is the career of James Harden from the perspective of basketball simpleton Daryl Morey:
"Is he cheating?
Eh, No, he's not cheating.
You see Daryl, this is where you stop.
This is all you care about.
It's never mattered to you that James Harden has played a selfish, soul sucking, fraudulent style of basketball that isn't remotely replicatable in the times that matter most. You see free throw rate, but don't have the intelligence to see that officials swallow their whistles in the playoffs and guys that play like little bitches (James Harden) don't get the same calls that they did in February. You're a numbers guy darrell, so tell me: how many years of evidence in a row do you need to see of this before a smart guy like you gets through your fat fuckin' head? My 9 year daughter who hasn't even played competitive basketball yet understands these concepts Daryl. Why don't you?
Daryl, as fun as it is to sit here and pull your pants down over your roster building acumen (or lack thereof), your legacy is far more insidious than you just being a walking applesauce cup with arms stats nerd. The supposed "success" that you and James Harden have had has given life to teams of roving virgins known as Analytics Departments that have replaced good men and women that actually knew a fuckin' thing or two about SPORTS and PEOPLE Daryl Morey. You think sports is more about that Keno card in your pocket then what you can do with your eyeballs. That's your legacy asshole. It's also why no team that has been guided by you as its primary decision maker has, or will ever hoist the Larry O'Brien trophy. My high school math tells me that scenario has a probability of 1. Daryl Morey. Genius. Fuck me.
Actually, I take that back Daryl Morey. If they hand out 9th place ribbons for geniuses, there's a yellow one with your name on it
PLEASE HELP THE MARINERS BILL SIMMONS. THEY ARE STILL IN ARIEL CASTRO'S ATTIC. THEY DIDN'T GET RESCUED WITH THE OTHER WOMEN. HELP THEM SIMMONS FAMILY! WHY WON'T YOU PUT THE MARINERS IN THE FREEZER!! ONE TIME FOR THE TROOPS!
There has to be some freezer space in there for us. Can I rent some? Can I deliver and install my own freezer? I'm flexible on how you want to do this Bill. We've just gotta get it done. The overly fit, highly educated, morally and genetically superior people from Seattle are far more deserving of a World Series than the self-hating, cholesterol filled, name tag wearing ingrates which infest your home town. Why do Tommy and Sully get to have 12 titles this century Bill?!? Why?! Fuck those guys! I do wanna fight about it Sully!
My experience with life so far has been that it's super hard even when you have great parents as a foundational piece. Life must seem downright impossible if you have truly shitty parents like Brandon Staley and Dean Spanos. However I also believe it to be true that Herbert–--for whatever this means–--is still a super talented quarterback capable of competing for championships given the right set of circumstances. These are things that you cannot say about the following list of quarterbacks: Desmond Ridder, Kenny Pickett, Derek Carr, Jordan Love, Kevin Love, Faizon Love, Courtney Love, Joshua Dobbs, Daniel Jones, Davey Jones, Indiana Jones, Bailey Zappe, Will Levis, Bryce Young or Zackariah Wilson and his lover Goldie Hawn and also have them be true statements. Herbert throws a hell of a ball. (Nut grab + spit) Looks good doin' it too. Herbert, so hot right now, Herbert. Not like Lord Farquaad over there in Jacksonville. ¡Ay Dios mÃo! I have to look away sometimes, it's just too much for me.
I'll just never understand why guys like Lord Farquaad get to be 6'6 when they could be just as............ plain looking at 5'6, with that extra foot of wasted height being split up between actual handsome 5 foot 9 men like myself who don't frighten children when they take their helmets off. I hear you Farquaad I hear you. I have no more ability to change your freakish height and ghastly appearance than I do my normal height and overly handsome appearance. Won't stop me from bitching about it though.
Please CBS, tell the guys in the truck that Farquaad + No Helmet = No Fly Zone.
Herbert is not Mahomes, Lamar, or Burrow. This is not a federal crime, or even a football crime Bill Simmons. It is true however that I do think in a vacuum, Justin Herbert has a far, far higher overall ceiling than his MVP-level contemporaries of Dak Prescott, Tua, Brock Purdy, and......kinda sorta maybe not really sometimes Jalen Hurts. Herbert could do things with a football at 13 that Tua and Purdy can't do NOW.
Hurts is brutal for me because I do believe he's an awesome overall football player and is a plus plus between the ears which is everything for me. Not that they would ever ask, (Ain't gotta get ready if you stay ready, right Bomani Jones?) but Cousin Sal and DraftKings would likely place the odds of me crashing my car at -680 to start with the option to live bet higher once they saw how recklessly I was actually driving (-900) if the Seahawks requested me to drive Geno Smith to SeaTac Airport from the VMAC and told me that he needed to be there in the next 4 minutes because we (Seahawks) had just traded for Jalen Hurts. I'd make it happen. And I like Geno!
You don't get a chance to have guys with the talent or character of a Jalen Hurts on your football team very often. Despite all that, I'd still rather have the athletic 6'6 guy with the laser rocket arm who possesses a far greater long-term historical chance of staying healthy than a smaller framed QB like Hurts or Tua and his little pew pew shooter.
(I'm going to take a short bathroom break and let the Tua-Stans unglue themselves from my ceiling and stop eating the stuffing out of my new couch. So sensitive these Tua fans are don't you think Bill?)
Keep in mind, those are the really good QB's. There is also this whole list of dudes making more than the GDP of Lesotho in which the $262M the Chargers are paying Herbert starts to look pretty thrifty:
Russell Wilson, Denver Broncos: $49 million (5 years, $245 million)
Kyler Murray, Arizona Cardinals: $46.1 million (5 years, $230.5 million)
Deshaun Watson, Cleveland Browns: $46 million (5 years, $230 million)
Daniel Jones, New York Giants: $40 million (4 years, $160 million)
Matthew Stafford, Los Angeles Rams: $40 million (4 years, $160 million)
Aaron Rodgers, New York Jets: $37.5 million (3 years, $112.5 million)
Derek Carr, New Orleans Saints: $37.5 million (4 years, $150 million)
Kirk Cousins, Minnesota Vikings: $35 million (1 year, $35 million)
Jared Goff, Detroit Lions: $33.5 million (4 years, $134 million)
The above listed players and contracts are not perfect comparison points, but my premise remains the same:
I wouldn't want a single one of the quarterbacks on that list on a 1 year or long-term basis over Justin Herbert. Am I even saying anything here?
If you were to hook some battery terminals up to my goods and force me to list the quarterbacks I would rather start the 2024 NFL season with not named Justin Herbert, I think we could probably accomplish that pretty quickly. Let's try.
Patrick Mahomes. Duh. Going to take a hell of a lot more than Taylor Swift to drop Mahomes out of this category.
Lamar Jackson. (I will meet anybody after school on the playground and gladly bare knuckle box anyone who thinks differently)
Joe Burrow. For some reason he can't win a night game? Do I have that right? I thought I heard that he was like 6-463 in afternoon or night games? That can't be right. He's really good though. If I had to choose between him and Lamar gun to my head, I would do as Cousin Sal once said and just pull the figurative trigger.
CJ Stroud. He's got it. Moving on.
Let me see here…yep. That's gonna do it.
At the risk of being inflammatory, though never my intent, note that I did leave out one particular handsome mutant quarterback from Buffalo. I love Josh Allen. I like the way that he plays football, and best I can tell he looks like a solid dude and a good hang. I imagine it's pretty awesome to have the athletic ability of an X-Men (Man?) who just rocket-blasted a steroid cloud of fentanyl up his ass. My back hurts in the morning and I slipped in the mud yesterday. I have cuts on my hands and shins that honestly I don't know how they got there. I thought 2 different dryers in my garage were washing machines last weekend. He absolutely has the potential to be the best player in the world, and for a minute, there were some of you (maybe me?) that thought he was. As wildly talented as Allen is, right this very second as I sit at the book at Angel of the Winds Casino, I would rather start my football team in 2024 with Justin Herbert than Josh Allen. I don't want to say those words Josh. You have no idea how much it hurts me to say them Josh Allen. Why?
Because Justin Herbert is a Duck, Josh Allen.
He's an Oregon FUCKING Duck Josh Allen!
And FUCK the Oregon Ducks AND the scum filled ponds they live in anyways am I right Dawg Fans?!? WOOF! Bow down you stupid fucking Ducks! Beat your asses twice this year! 13-0 Baby!!! Enjoy playing Liberty (Liberty?! Hahahahaha) in the Fiesta Bowl you wandering zombie pack of mouth-breathing hairy twatted knuckle -dragging shitheads! WOOF!!
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. I just had to get that out as a Husky. I'm curious if other conferences have schools with identity crisis such as this. For example, University of Oregon, thinks that it is a destinations school. It is. For kids who go to Wazzu, Oregon would be like moving to Medina. For people such as myself that did enough with their life prior to 19 to get into a real school like the University of Washington, the University of Oregon is what is known as a "parachute" school, or the last stop before the circus.
True story kids, when I was 18 and graduating high school in the year 2000, (in the year 2000!) my family would have been extremely embarrassed of me if I had been admitted to Oregon but not Washington. Of course I never even applied to Oregon because I had actual (not online) friends and played real team sports (not ultimate frisbee Chase/Chance/Tucker/Aiden/Colton) and had sex with girls who knew what a Venus razor was prior to their 26th birthdays. These are not true statements of men my age who went to Oregon. I get down on my knees every day and thank Jesus H. Christ personally for not having to know what it would be like to have to go through life with a degree from Oregon instead of Washington. I probably wouldn't own this iPad that I'm writing this on I'll tell you that.
If you haven't been to Eugene, treat yourself and the wife sometime and just go. What you'll see are swaths of white kids playing hackeysack who are mostly productive and God-fearing, just not quite good enough people to get in to the actual good schools of the conference (which has since been summarily executed) such as Washington, Stanford, USC and UCLA.
Sorry Cal, I know you're a great school and all, but you're also full of disassociated serial killer narcissists like Aaron Rodgers and "Do I know how to play football? Do I not know how to play football? Guess we'll find out today!" types like Jared Goff. Marshawn Lynch is your only saving Grace. Studies consistently show that Cal graduates have far fewer friends on average and remain unmarried far longer than similarly educated graduates from other Pac-12 schools.
I can confirm this as I'm sure many of you can: people that go to Cal are a little weird and should probably have well-checks completed on them regularly by qualified professionals. That guy in your building that every time you talk to him you wonder why he's a weekend cook at the Thai place down the street and not running N.A.S.A.? He went to Cal. So did his roommate who holds eye contact too long and builds radio controlled cars with parts sourced from multiple vendors. Both those guys and Aaron Rodgers went to Cal.
Why didn't you just go to Stanford? Too much pressure to sit by a girl in class that's seen a makeup counter before and been past 1st base? These are questions we have of Cal graduates that will never able to be answered.
So that's why I want you to be better than Justin Herbert Mr. Allen. He's a Duck. And Ducks Suck. But you're kind of a turnover machine at times, and as a champion of efficiency I don't really rock with that. You are a drunk fat guy in a bar fight with the football and I don't like it one bit Josh Allen. But I definitely WANT you to be better than Justin Herbert. I just don't think you are.......today.
Don't hate me Josh. Honestly, I'm rooting for you. I'm going to go and bet on you and your band of Merry idiots to win the Super Bowl because I just have a feeling. I hope it's good odds, but honestly who gives a fuck Josh because I'm pretty sure it's going to happen. When you know you know right? I'm not really going to think much more about it.
A buddy told me there are no good odds in the casino. Have you had the chance to bet on Josh Allen My Friend? What are you, new? I thought the Cowboys were going to come into Buffalo and paste your ass Josh. Really shove your shit in. I did. And then you and your big uglies applied noticeable force to the rectal area of the Dallas defensive line to the tune of 49 applications for 266 yards. Micah Parsons I'm told is the best defender in the world? I can't say I disagree, and I promise you I'm not intending to be disrespectful or flippant to Micah and his greatness, which he has already proven in droves. What I am saying is even these exceptional individual pass rush talents like Parsons and the Bosas (less so with them because they are just physically bigger but it still applies) and Farquaad's teammate and your Black twin, the other (but likely still better athlete than you which is really saying something) Josh Allen and T.J. Watt can still be roundly overwhelmed by a dominant overall well-executed team rushing performance. So dope dawg.
That was like watching Tommy Frazier in ---fuck. I'm sorry.
I'm super old, you have absolutely no idea who Tommy Frazier is.
My buddy also showed me these videos of you (forgive me, I'll never remember the channel) and these drunk fat guys smacking the golf ball around and it looks like a hell of a good time Josh. It does. You look long and strong out there dude. For a white guy anyways. I would absolutely love to see you and Lamar race up a par 4 and watch him dust your ass by 40 yards wearing something much more colorful and stylish than you could ever pull off. You are seriously frightening though. What the hell did your mom feed you as a kid? Other kids? I don't really know much about your upbringing,, let me look it up real quick.
Cotton Farm in rural California. That explains a lot. Would love to talk to you about that backstory sometime if you're ever bored of Hailee. Hey that reminds me, if you have time ask Hailee if Anna is ever around. My kid loves Trolls, she'd get a big kick out of meeting Poppy, as would I. I apologize I don't know which character Hailee played.
Christ on a Bike Josh. Now I feel bad. Wikipedia tells me you worked on the family farm AND restaurant. FML. If I could feel empathy I almost would feel it here Josh, I almost would. God Bless You Child. Without knowing one thing about you, I bet your Sweedish Gramps was a Dude.
BTW, I'd love to get in on a foursome if you ever have an opening. I'm kind of busy on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays for the next few months with my kiddo's Basketball and Lacrosse, but if you make time buddy, I'll make the time. You bet your sweet 6'5 country-ass I can be fat and goofy with the best of them Josh Allen! (Von Miller!). Jason Kelce ain't got shit on me. Travis Kelce absolutely has shit on me though, he definitely does. I know that you make like a million dollars a week or something gross like that but I'm still willing to bring the beer and the weed and the GOAT. Seriously, I'll bring my magical goat Steven.
You are a teensy bit of a sissy when it comes to the injury stuff Josh Allen, especially given the Yukon Moose in full Rutt that the back of your football card says you are. Don't go Jake Locker on me man. Don't do that to me. I already had my heart broken once Josh Allen, don't do that to me. Josh, if you aren't familiar with Jake Locker and his backstory, go read it. You and him are brothers from another mother sir. We can get a few more squats in your routine and square you up a bit Josh Allen, as great of an athlete as you are, you look a little light in the lower half to me Josh Allen.
Goats are supernatural, magical healers. I promise you from the bottom of my juevosthat you will love him Josh Allen. He's your kind of people. If you want to become the G.O.A.T. Josh Allen, you've got to hang with goats. Specifically, THIS goat. Steven. Makes sense to me. Steven can take you there, but only if you open your mind and soul to him Josh Allen. He knows fakers. Don't try to fool him Josh Allen, it won't work. I've trained him too well in the arts of Emotional and Social Intelligence. He's like Master Splinter combined with Kanye. Fuck around and find out Josh Allen.
Josh, if we bring him golfing, he will need a special cart and probably his own driver though since he's recovering from an injury. You can afford it. I'm out of cash at the moment because I put it on you (see above) to win the Super Bowl. Again, I'd super appreciate it if you didn't screw that up and I could collect that $2128.75. Or you could just make me whole on the bet if you gak down your leg in the playoffs. Either way.
I might need to Burrow your clubs though, unless you're willing to spot me at the Pro Shop with what fell out of your sweatpants when you were drunk last night with that fat guy from the videos that can really whack it and kicks all you supposed athletes asses at golf. Makes me giggle. My family just moved and Heavens to Betsy Josh Allen I don't know where my clubs are. I'm really bad with keeping track of things. Like G.O.A.T. bad But Teeban (Steven) and I will still come.
Don't touch him until I tell you to though or he'll bite your fuckin' face off Josh Allen. I've trained him to do that. He is a rare breed of Himalayan Fighting Goat that I purchased for $26,000 on Craigslist Kathmandu.
I'm just kidding you dummy Josh Allen. None of that is true.
Goats don't bite you Josh Allen. They are ruminants you Dolt. Get the over yourself Josh Allen. You look like an overgrown Andrew Luck without the Civil War throat beard. I don't see a world where Andrew isn't far more intelligent than you though. The kids that graduate from Wyoming can't even apply to become members of the janitorial staff at Stanford I bet.
13 seconds hurt me too Josh Allen, but you don't see me walking around cryin' and moping about it do you? No you don't Josh Allen. No you don't. I can only hope that two mediocre teams such as the one that you Captain and my Hometown 11 Seahawks get on enough of a roll to play each other in the Super Bowl. Where is it this year? Who cares. I know it's not in the Godforsaken snowdrift town that you play in.
Just so there aren't any awkard feels later on, if you actually make the Super Bowl Josh Allen, I fully expect tickets. You can afford it. You're still in Crypto aren't you? Idiot. I told you time and time again to get out but you never listen to me do you Josh? I can't really be all that mad at you. Wyoming Josh Allen? I'm sorry to bring it up again but Jesus Christ was the University of Phoenix full? I'm sure Larry Fitzgerald would have given you his spot, he's been there for like 18 years.
I reserve the right to change my opinion on this at any time if Josh Allen starts putting up Big 12 Heisman numbers and playing in February. But right now, it's Herbert. Talk about sliding doors Bill Simmons. Fuck me in the face why don't you then Susan B. Anthony. Get it over with.
Here's a thought exercise for you. How much different does the rest of Justin Herbert's career look if the Chargers don't have testicles the size of quinoa and hire Sean Payton as their coach last year? They could have totally got him, give me a fucking break Bill Simmons! He was right there! I seen um'! Weiners! On the Glass! Tan, smilin' ass on that comfy chair talking to Colin Cowherd looking like he was enjoying doing whatever it is rich guys in Southern California get to do. You'll have to fill me in Bill on that stuff cuz that ain't my tax bracket. Looks Amazeballz though. I bet you own your house outright and still fund your Roth. You pay cash for your kids college at private schools. You probably even have enough saved up for that sex change operation that Cousin Sal has always wanted. That has to feel like lightning hit the tip of something of yours when you can do that with mere ink and paper. Nobody pays with checks now, but you know what I mean. That's not exactly true though is it Bill? RICH guys still pay for things with checks because writing out big numbers on checks has been and will always be fucking awesome. It's not quite as satisfying writing out my $4.76 McDonalds breakfast order on a check, and it will probably get my food (rightly) spat in or worse if I do that.
I'm not trying to say that Sean Payton is the Taylor Swift of Field hockey or anything insane like that. Fuck, Bill. I'm not crazy! Pay attention. You went to Holy Cross, you don't fool me for a minute. Is that above or below B.C. in Boston Swag? BU? Tufts? Always wanted to ask you those things.
Yet Bill Simmons I'm also not sure there is an exponential graph steep enough to display how much more I would rather have Sean Payton as my football coach than Brandon Staley. I almost had to put a dinner napkin over my croch when he was verbally Sandusky-ing Russell Wilson on the sideline during that Detroit game LOLZ. I lost like $120 on that game believing that Russell Wilson wouldn't go Russell Wilson. He Chernobyl'd that game with his ridiculous fumble in the Red Zone on the first drive after his defense got him the ball back right away. Ruined that whole game, and my $120. Fuck you Russ. I believed in you. Read my other Seahawks piece on this site. I loved you once. And the day bleeds Russell Wilson. Into Nightfall. And you're not he-yuh, to get me through it all, are you Russ? No, you're not. And then you fumbled and cost me $120. You're dead to me you curly headed fuck. Not really of course, and your hair is actually beautiful and I'm very much jealous of it. I miss the old days on the Hawks with your super curly hair.
You're still asking way too much though for your house in Bellevue Russell Wilson. Your interior design taste is....yeah. Maybe those aren't your choices though. I get it. Pick which hill to die on am I right guys? To each their own. Just fire your agent already and hire me Russ. This is getting ridiculous. It's price Russ. Nobody gives a shit about your countertops. It's always price. Anyone can have a bad game. Seriously though, fire your agent and get in touch with my people. That was a really dumb fumble though and it really did cost your team the game in emotional momentum. You understand these things being the High-Knee Healer that you are.
Payton is a man that is too rich and too smart to give a shit and I love it. Okay, I guess I am kind of a Sean Payton-Stan. That's the term yeah? Stan? The thing that I'm going to say later about the other guy also applies to him if you want to back reference this. It's a moonshine- laced West Virginia hobo tragedy that Justin Herbert didn't get adopted by his new Daddy: the fit, rich, tech Dad who plays golf at Torrey Pines instead of the Brocklehurst-led Lowood orphanage of Brandon Staley and Spanos ownership that he was birthed into. Hard to escape your parents Bill. You can do it, but it takes some fuckin work that frankly most white people don't have the time or hamstring pliability for. I Don't think I'm really breaking any news here. Herbert can really sling it. I'd fux with him in an instant if I was an NFL franchise not already in possession of the names mentioned above.
Jim Harbaugh is probably Justin Herbert's realistic best chance at winning a ring. Also his best chance at sharing a glass of milk at a steakhouse with another grown man who may stare at him awkwardly wide-eyed longer than he should. Like some fucked up scene out of Fargo where everyone ends up dead.
I guess it's possible that Bill Belichick could end up there and the Sun could help his knees and elbows feel better in the morning before stepping into the shower with one of those stupid fucking side door things you see on the TV. Yet there is some unknowable percentage that if Bill Belichick coaches the Chargers, that could be the saddest and/or funniest end to the G.O.A.T. of something that has ever existed. As much as I despise Bill Belichick, and I sincerely promise you I do, I don't want to see him as the NFL head coach version of an afghan over Grampa's knees as he pisses into a bag and stares out the window on an approved psychiatric dose of 1600 mg of Lithium. It's the Patriot Way. Or maybe he'll go 15 and 2 next year and break the record and stick it up everybody's ass with a hot poker while taking a shit running backwards. IDK. This is what I do know though. If I owned the Chargers and faced my current predicament, I would offer Jim Harbaugh a 10% stake in my franchise with the only requirement being a 6-year minimum contract. If he left prior to 6 years, the 10% deal would be off, but he would be paid an agreed upon annual amount, likely in the neighborhood of 25 to 35 million dollars. This is what I would estimate to overpay (is anyone ever overpaid or just accurately paid?) to bring a premium coach to a shitty situation. I would make it so he would win in every direction. One Direction Justin. You don't know you're beautiful Justin Herbert. Jim Harbaugh would though Justin Herbert. Jim Harbaugh would see you. Jim Harbaugh would know you're beautiful Justin Herbert.
I would grant Harbaugh "leave whenever the fuck you want after that" status. Great coaches are a ridiculous value in the NFL, even at $30 million-a season and no equity. Harbaugh's stake of 10% when he actually chooses to cash it in might be a cool $Billion. Pay it to him in Revolutionary War Continental Dollars, Skittles, Robert Swift rookie cards, Dong Tao chickens, HoneyBaked hams or 6-inch concrete anchor lag bolts if he wants you fucking needle dicks. Yeah, you gave your coach a $Billion dollars who may or may not have won you a title, but he won football games at a .622 clip for 8 years and took the value of your franchise to $10 billion because oh yeah now you can get a stadium that you own instead of renting the supply closet from your cooler older brother and maybe garner some actual fan support because you have a dynamic coach winning football games with a tall, blonde, dashing, tall, handsome, blonde, dynamic quarterback. Instead of stabbing black guys with needles or whatever you did to Tyrod Taylor in the neck.
K. I'm back.
I knew I didn't have that right. Had to look it up. They stabbed him in the lung with the needle in the Library, not the neck with the candlestick in the Conservatory you fucking idiot Ryan. It's always the library. Everybody knows that.
You stabbed a black guy in the lung with a needle. That's on your resume Chargers. It happened and I won't let you forget it. You fucking bastards. You killed Kenny! You stabbed a black guy in the chest! You did! ESPN told me so!
Mr. Spanos -- How you not understand you couldn't get lucky enough to be able to hire Jim Harbaugh? Being rich is obviously no precursor to intelligence of any kind. Intelligence is a precursor to intelligence. You're getting a known quantity, a dude that has literally won and improved everywhere he has been, and in my opinion has only missed out on championships due to the cruel universal mathematical truth that "ain't enough rings for errbody. Get the Fuck Out." There aren't 10 better football coaches in the entire world than Jim Harbaugh. He's kind of weird. Ok super weird. Bit of a dick sometimes. Probably a Milton Berle size dick about 18% of the time give or take. But he can coach football. He can really coach fuckin football. It might be a much shorter list than 10 if I wanted to think about it, but I need to get some bets in and don't have the time.
You already have a top-10 quarterback by any reasonable evaluation. Trying to save money on Brandon Staley by not firing him on the sideline after last years playoff exit to the Farquaads and Coach Lieutenant Argosy Cruise Captain Doug Pederson is like trying to eke out another year in a car that has a 28% chance of killing you at some point during the year. Why are we doing this honey? Do you want me to die? Is that it? You actually want me to die? Fuck you honey. I'll die the way I wanna die. You don't tell me how to die. This is retarded. We can afford this awesome million dollar Maybach over here. Why am I in this rebuilt title rust bucket deathtrap that smells worse than the elastic waistband of sweatpants worn by Charlie Weiss after a long road trip through Middle America in a Ford Econoline 3500 Church van on the way to a MAGA ralley? Talk about hustlin' backwards. (Bomani Jones). By the way, 10% would be my initial offer. He could probably talk me into 12, maybe 13% after a tits-out dinner and a good story over a $5k bottle of Pomerol. Fuck it, run it back bartender, let's have 4 more. You're never getting better ROI than that Dean Spanos.